"The Meta-Parody"
by Kevin J. Podsiadlik

Act I: The New Generation Meets the Old... Again
------------------------------------------------

(Bridge.  Buster, Hamton, Dizzy, Plucky, Mortimer and Shirley are at the 
usual positions.  Babs is standing around, for no very good reason, other 
than the fact that she has some lines in this scene.)

Buster: Captain's log, stardate 1800848.8888.  Wait, isn't that the
phone number for some hotel chain somewhere?

Hamton: Well, you have my guarantee that it's not Hamton Inn.  We'd
never run such an air-headed campaign.

Buster: Thank you. (ahem) Anyway, we are on a very vague mission, to say 
the least.  All we know is that we are to hold here at the Fondhu system 
until something happens.  Almost no one seems to know what it is, and 
those who might know aren't telling.

Mortimer: Captain.  Sensors show some sort of disturbance in the space-time 
continuum.

Babs: Well, whatever it is, it looks like we're about to find out.

(Out of nowhere (actually a black-on-black hole in space) emerges
another spaceship.  There is something vaguely familiar about the design of 
it...)

Dizzy: We being hailed.

(A familiar voice is heard)

Familiar voice:  Neaahhh, this is Captain Bugs Bunny of the W. B. S.
Acme.  (Now he appears on the viewscreen.  Behind him are Sylvester and 
Porky, in front but off to the side, Elmer and Speedy Gonzales)  Who am 
I talking to?

Buster: This is Captain Buster Bunny of the W. B. S. Acme.

The crews of both ships (muttering in unison): No relation.

Bugs: Oh, moicatroid.  Another "Old Trek meets New Trek" parody.  How many 
of these things do these writers think they can do?

Buster: Well, like it or not, we're stuck with each other for now.

Bugs: I guess so.  Would you mind if we broke off for a moment to
discuss stragety?

Buster: No problemo.

Bugs: Good.  See you in a few minutes.

(Bugs' image disappears from the screen.)

Buster: Hamton.  Gather what you can about all previous "Old Trek meets 
New Trek" parodies in Chuan Chee's archives.  Mr. Devil, you have the 
bridge, everyone else, conference room, two minutes.  (He then exits).

(Conference room.  Buster, Hamton, Babs, Plucky, Shirley, and Mortimer are 
present.  Hamton is reporting on his findings.)

Hamton: A preliminary check has no less than sixteen meetings between Old 
Trek and New Trek.  I have taken the liberty of selecting just those scripts 
where we meet right at the beginning.  This leaves a total of seven such 
circumstances, not including this one.

Buster: Six too many, at least.  Oh well, let's hear them.

Hamton:  All right.  This first one had us travel back to dump the
Wesley and Troi characters on the old ship.

Buster: Tempting...

Plucky: No one's dumping my loon!!

Shirley: Why, Plucky, how... noble of you.

Plucky: I mean, who else could I get for a date on Saturdays?

Shirley: Hmmph!  Better start making other plans quick, duck.

Buster: Okay, that one's out, what's next?

Hamton: Well, then there's this one, where we just send "Wesley" over.

Buster: VERY tempting...

(Mortimer takes the opportunity to edge towards the door.)

Hamton: He comes back badly mutilated, and pretty well cured of his
whining problem.

Plucky: I like it.

(Exit Mortimer at warp factor seven.  No one notices.)

Babs: Wait a second.  You said "he comes back".  Why do we take him
back?

Hamton: "Beverly Crusher" goes into a fit and refuses to talk to
"Picard", much less anything else, until he gets "Wesley" back.

Babs: Well if THAT's the way I'm going to feel about it, then I don't want 
to get rid of him in the first place.

(There is a general mood that there is a flaw in this somewhere, but no one 
can put a finger on it.)

Buster: Oh well.  Okay, let's leave the Wesley character out of it as much 
as possible.  It's been overdone anyway.  What's next?

Hamton: Well, then so much for this one...(puts down a page titled
"And Wesley Shall Leave") All right, this one has us go back in time
accidentally.  The quality of the old generation's scripts were too
much for the new, and the difference almost destroys the new generation.

(Suddenly, that page disappears in a puff of smoke.)

Babs: Looks like one of our writers heard you.

Hamton: Right.  OK, this one's pretty good...  Uh, can we get Madonna and 
the casts of Ghostbusters and Monty Python's Flying Circus?

Plucky: AND support our special effects budget?  Not likely.

(Hamton tosses that one aside, and reads the next)

Hamton: Ah!  This one looks good!  Let's see, it's not clear who travels 
forwards or backwards in time... Lots of arguing between the two crews... 
Oh, and even "Q" shows up!  And some guys called "Organians", who act like 
the Three Stooges.

Buster: Well, for that we could lease the Robotic Stooges from Hanna-Barbera.  
They'll work cheap.

Hamton: Oh, RATS!

Babs: What?

Hamton: We need a Pulaski character.

Plucky: What about Elmyra?

Buster: No, it just wouldn't work.  There might be a vague physical
resemblance, but Elmyra couldn't put up a stuffy front to save her life.

Shirley: Hey, don't I get a turn in this dialogue?

Babs: You just did.

Hamton: Okay, now this one...  Hmmm, this must be a mistake.  Ever heard of 
anyone called "Kwirk" or "Sickhard" or "Ohboy"?

(general muttering, and shaking of heads)

Hamton: And in this last one, all they do is stand around and talk.
"Kirk" falls for "Beverly", though.

Buster: All right, then, I guess we'll just have to improvise.

Plucky: Can't stand competition, eh, Buster?

Babs: Say, since we've rejected every way it HAS been done, why don't we just 
do it every way it HASN'T been done?

Hamton: As Spock would say, eminently logical.

Plucky: I don't know, the last time I let logic rule, I got four dozen anvils 
dropped on me.  (A thought balloon with an anvil in it appears above him.  
Predictably, the anvil drops on his head.)

Buster: Well, unless you have a better idea, Number One... (strangely, he 
gets no response from the bashed head with its tongue halfway out) ...agreed.

(Bridge.  They are once again talking with Bugs via the viewscreen.)

Bugs: All right, doc, so we know what NOT to do.  So what DO we do?

Buster: We improvise.  Let's start by going over to your side.

Bugs: Now hold on, we need to tidy up the place foist.

(But too late.  Buster has signalled Furrball in the transporter room, and 
suddenly the entire crew (almost) of the Acme-D has beamed onto the bridge 
of the Acme-A.  It's not a huge crew, so the bridge isn't mobbed, but it 
definitely is cramped.)

Sylvester (doing a lousy impression of Leonard Nimoy): That was totally 
illogical.  Who's running your ship now?

Buster: Oh, don't worry about that.  We left Mortimer behind.  We
decided the "Wesley" character was getting far too much use in these
parodies, so we left him out of this one.

(Cut to a hallway on the Acme-D.)

Mortimer (not in camera shot):  Hellooooo?   HELLOOOOOOOOO??   ANYBODY 
HERE????  ANYONE?!?!?!??!!!  (panicking)  SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!

(Well, he's all right, so let's go back to the Acme-A.)

Porky:  W-w-w-well, now what are we g-g-g-going to do with these 
t-t-t-t-t-kids?

Bugs: Hey, Daff, how about giving these guys the grand tour of the ship?

Daffy: Dammit, Bugs, I'm a... oops, this is a kid's show, isn't it?
(ahem) Darn it, Bugs, I'm a doctor, not a tour guide!

Bugs: Well, fine, I just thought you'd want it, since the tour guide is the 
only one who gets a speaking role in two of the next three scenes.

Daffy: Did I say I was a doctor?  I meant, I'm a tour guide, not a
doctor.

(Cut to a hallway, along which the tour follows)

Hamton: Buster, why does that tour guide remind me of that "D"
character?

Buster: Shhh!  You're not supposed to notice.

Daffy: And right this way is the engineering section.  (They enter it)  Over 
there is the location of the Spock death-scene in Star Trek II.  Over here 
is where we control warp speed.  (Indicates a dial.  Closer inspection 
reveals a number range from 1 to 9, and an added setting, 
"As-fast-as-it-takes".)

Daffy: All right, next stop, the mess hall.

(Dizzy falls behind the group, attracted for some reason to a door.
Opening it reveals, among others, Yosemite Sam, Pepe LePew, the
Roadrunner, Foghorn Leghorn, Tweety Bird, and the original Tasmanian
Devil.  All are wearing red shirts and looking pretty glum until they notice 
someone has entered.)

Dizzy: Ah!!! Fresh meat!!

(A horrible battle unfolds, with the end result being that all of the 
redshirts scatter out of the room, except for Tazzy, who has the
situation, and Dizzy, under control.)

Tazzy:  You not bad for beginner.  But not good enough.

(He swallows Dizzy whole.  Dizzy, not taking a liking to this turn of events, 
gives Tazzy one of the worst cases of indigestion he has felt since Wild 
Turkey Surprise.  Tazzy spits him out, and after a few more growls at one 
another, they suddenly break into fierce grins and shake hands.)

(Cut to upper shot of Daffy, so that we can't see any of the tour
group.)

Daffy (muttering to himself): Some gig this is.  Playing straight duck to two 
dozen teenagers.  (aloud) All right, next stop is the brig, and if there's 
any... (he turns to the group, and is surprised to see that only Plucky and 
Shirley are there.)  Huh?  Where's the rest of them?

Plucky: Look like they all split the tour.

Shirley: Indeed.  I sensed major boredom as we went along.

Daffy: Boredom, eh?  Are you guys saying I'm not a good tour guide?

Plucky: You said it, we didn't.  Come on Shirley, let's see what the
holodeck is like in this joint.

(As they walk away, leaving Daffy seething:)

Shirley: I sense a huge ego which has been badly bruised.

Plucky: Couldn't be.  I feel fine.

(Bridge.  Close-up of Bugs.)

Bugs: Captain's log, no stardate, because all our clocks are running 75 years 
slow.  The idea of Captain Buster's to improvise during our meeting is not 
without its merits, but it appears to have resulted in one major side effect.  
It seems that both crews have largely fallen out of the Star Trek characters 
they were supposed to be emulating.

(Back off to show Elmer pointing his rifle at Bugs' head)

Bugs: Call it a hunch.

(He plugs up the gun barrels with carrots at the last second, and the rifle 
blows up, as it has many times before, in Elmer's face.  Bugs pulls up a 
tile in the floor of the bridge, and climbs into the hole.  Tiles begin to 
uproot themselves in a path leading away from the hole.  Sylvester has to 
jump out of the way to avoid being knocked over.)

(A hallway.  Tweety Bird is flying along erratically, when he runs head-on 
into the young lady Sweetie Bird.  Tweety falls to the floor, Sweetie manages 
to stay aloft.)

Sweetie: Hey, why don't you watch where you're flying?

Tweety: Gimme a bweak!  It's tough enough just getting aiwbowne.

Sweetie: What are you talking about?  I never have any trouble.

(Just then, a hungry Furrball comes around the corner.)

Tweety (panicking): Wun!!  (he runs away)

Sweetie: What a wimp.  (She goes into a spin and comes out in some sort of 
martial arts costume.  Furrball is almost on her when she grabs his paw and 
flips him.)  Hiyyyyya!

(After taking a formal Oriental bow, only then does she resort to the 
strategic retreat, just dodging Furrball's claw.  Soon she catches up with 
Tweety, who is still running.  As she passes him:)

Sweetie: Get a clue and take some self-defense courses, you weenie!

(A hallway intersection, with some strange looking device above it,
shining red from the camera point of view.  A puff of smoke rushes up to it 
and halts before it.  It clears to reveal Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper.  
As they just stand there, Wile E. Coyote and the original Roadrunner pass 
before them at top speed.  Afterwards, the red light changes to green, 
and the two of them resume the chase.  A trail of uprooted tiles halts at 
the intersection (it had the red light), and Bugs pops out.  He spies two 
smaller tunnels approaching from his right.  Producing a sheet of steel 
plating, he slips it between tiles, directly in the path of the twin tunnels.  
A few seconds later, the steel plate vibrates.  Moving the last two tiles 
uprooted by the twin tunnels, he pulls out two very dazed rabbits.)

Bugs: We have to talk.  (He carries Buster and Babs off.)

(commercial)

Act II: "The Trouble with Tiny Toons"
-------------------------------------
(Captain's quarters on the Acme-A.  Bugs is on one side of the desk,
Buster and Babs are on the other.)

Buster: I take it something's on your mind, Bugs.

Bugs: No kidding.  Ever since you and those other maroons beamed over here 
unannounced, we've experienced a complete breakdown of character here.  
Elmer was supposed to be a nice, quiet Chekov, and he ends up nearly blowing 
my head off.

Babs: Elmer as Chekov?  What bonehead came up with that casting?

Bugs: Hey, let's see you do better.  I may make a decent Kirk, and Daffy 
works all right as Bones, and Speedy has the energy to do Sulu passably, 
but the rest of the crew is just about impossible.  I mean, you should have 
seen the agonizing we did over Spock.  He just does not fit into the Looney 
Tunes scheme of things.

Buster: I thought Hamton did it pretty well.

Bugs: And we should have used Porky?  Spock with a stutter?  Come on.

Babs: What about Wile E. Coyote?  We almost made Hamton our engineer, and 
Calamity the second officer/Spock replacement.

Bugs: Nah, we agreed with you on that one.  Coyotes are better at
working with machines than being them.  We decided to go with our best 
character actor, Sylvester.  If anyone would be up to it, it would be him.

Buster: Just from what I've heard, he isn't.  And what about where you 
DID put Porky?  Doesn't he find playing Uhura even the slightest bit 
demeaning?

Bugs: Porky's a good sport about it.  The only thing we had to do was 
promise he wouldn't have to go in drag.  The thing is, the only speaking 
female we have is Miss Prissy, and, uh, frankly, she just ain't got the 
smarts for the job.

(Buster and Babs nod)

Bugs: But we digress.  Something has to be done about your crew.  We've all 
but lost the "Trek"-ness in this thing.  If this keeps up, this whole episode 
will get relegated to rec.arts.animation!  We won't even see 
rec.arts.startrek, much less Chuan Chee's collection!

Buster and Babs (in unison): What makes you...

Buster: Sorry, it was your turn.

Babs: Thank you. (To Bugs) What makes you think we care about any of
that?

Bugs: Don't play dumb with me.  And don't think I haven't noticed that this 
thing's been pre-formatted to fit into 72 columns.

Buster: All right, so we care.  So what are we supposed to do?  For one 
thing, we're not exactly veteran actors like you guys are.  We're prone to 
this kind of thing.  What's your excuse?

Bugs (slightly embarrassed): Er, um.. it's contagious.  You guys fall out of 
character, and we think, er, what's the point?

Babs: So, if we do somehow get it together, then you guys will have to start 
acting like the original Star Trek cast, which, you just said yourself, just 
doesn't work very well.

Bugs: I think I have an idea.  Just let me pull a few strings and...

(Exterior shot of the two starships, as a third animated starship,
virtually identical to the Acme-A, pulls up.  Another familiar voice is 
heard:)

Familiar voice (voice over): Captain's log, stardate 900976.2525.  Or at 
least we think so.  We have just passed through an abnormality in a wormhole, 
leaving our current position unknown.  Mr. Spock claims that it is likely 
that we have travelled in time, and that perhaps we have even entered into a 
different reality.

(Cut to interior of this third ship.  An animated James T. Kirk
continues the log.)

Kirk: Of course, being an animated version of a human character, reality is 
admittedly a bit hard to define.

Spock: I merely meant, captain, that we may not be under the
jurisdiction of Filmation any longer.  We might well be in the world of 
Hanna-Barbera, or Disney, or perhaps even Bakshi.

Kirk: A Bakshi version of Star Trek?  Now that would be a sight...

(Back on the Acme-A, in the transporter room.  The entire crew of the Acme-D 
is on the transporter pad.  Wile E. is at the control panel, with Bugs next 
to him.)

Bugs: Okay, kids, take care, and have a ball.  Energize.

(The Acme-D crew bids them goodbye as they vanish.)

Bugs: Okay, Wile E., get us back to our own time pronto, before the
Enterprise can send them back.

Wile E. (trying out a Scottish accent): Aye, sir.  And if they thought 
tribbles were troublesome, and Wesley was worse, wait'll they get a load 
of THIS kit 'n kaboodle.

(Exterior shot.  The Acme-A zips back from whence it came, with a
distinct "Yeee-haaa!" as per Speedy Gonzales.  Meanwhile, on the
Enterprise...)

Uhura: Sir, someone's beaming on board.

Kirk: Quick, Mr. Sulu, shields up.

Sulu: Too late, they're already in.  The ship that beamed them over has 
vanished.

Kirk: Well, send some redshirts in to see what we've been left.

Sulu: Aye, sir.

(Two redshirts walk down a hall, and go around a corner.  Two seconds later, 
they reappear, running at breakneck speed.  On their heels is the Acme crew, 
running for no reason other than youthful exuberance.)

(Bridge.  Two panicked redshirts charge in.)

Redshirts: LOOK OUT!!!!!

(Just as they say this, they are trampled by the crowd that was charging 
behind them.  Realizing that they have reached the last room on this path, 
they halt in front of the viewscreen.)

Kirk (cheesed off): All right, I'll make this short and sweet.  Who are you, 
and what are you doing on my ship?

Buster: I'm Captain Buster Bunny of the W. B. S. Acme, and this is my crew.

Kirk: W. B. S.?

Buster: Warner Brothers' Ship.

Spock: So it would appear that I was correct about our having travelled to an 
alternate reality.

McCoy: Don't be so modest, Spock.

Spock: I was not being modest, doctor.

McCoy: Damn right you weren't.

Buster: Uh, guys, this is a kid's show, would you mind leaving out the 
four-letter words?

Spock: Indeed, doctor.  I have always questioned the use of these
"colorful metaphors".

McCoy: Why don't you just take them and stick them up your.. (pauses to 
glare at the Acme crew) ear.

Plucky: Good choice.  Plenty of room there.

Kirk: Look, uh, Bones, would you mind taking our young guests on a tour of 
the ship?

Buster: Sorry, Bugs did that for us on the Acme-A.

Kirk: Bugs...Bunny, I assume.

Buster: Right.

Kirk: Right.  (thinks for a little while)  Spock, do you have any, ANY ideas 
at all as to what we should do with this bunch?

Spock: Clearly, the logical thing to do would be to send them back to their 
ship.

Plucky: Now just a minute here!  We came out here for a good plot, and we 
aren't leaving until we get it!

(General agreement from the rest of the crew)

Uhura (or a reasonable facsimile of her voice): Sir, a message coming 
through.

Kirk (turns to her): From who?

Uhura (confused): Sir, I didn't say anything.

McCoy (or something close): He's dead, Jim.

(Kirk spins around, looking for a corpse.  Eventually his eyes land on 
Bones.)

McCoy: That wasn't me, Jim.

Spock (almost): Logic dictates, captain, that...

(By now Jim has confirmed that the speaker is not, in fact, Spock, and the 
voice cuts itself off abruptly.  As Kirk puzzles over this, he hears 
something resembling his own voice.)

Kirk's voice: We come in peace (Shoot to kill.. Shoot to kill.. 
Shoot to kill..)

(By now he has figured it out.  Reaching in the middle of the pack that is 
the Acme crew, he pulls out two pink rabbit ears, with their rabbit owner 
following close behind.)

Kirk (grinning dangerously): How old are you, young lady?

Babs (nervously): F-fourteen.

Kirk: You want a chance at sweet sixteen?

Babs (VERY nervously): Well, y-you see, some... sometimes I just c-can't 
help myself, and...

(Kirk tosses the ears back in disgust, and again the rabbit follows them into 
the center of the pack.  Kirk then paces around for a few moments, searching 
for inspiration.  Suddenly he finds it, and presses a button on his chair's 
arm.)

Kirk: Scotty, report to the bridge.  (to the Acme crew)  I've got an
idea for that plot you wanted.  (to McCoy)  Bones, you remember that
little ditty by Trim and Playdon, the one involving us?  (McCoy thinks a 
moment, then nods as a smile crosses his face.)

Hamton (gasps, then whispers): Buster, he's talking about "Scotty"!  The one 
where Wesley gets mutilated!

Buster (low voice): And you think... yeeek.  Uh, just how badly does
Wesley get hurt?

Hamton: Well, first he gets stunned, then he gets a leg eaten away by 
antimatter, then they get out the laser cutter and...

Buster (cutting in): Thank you, Hamton.

(Enter Scotty)

Scotty: You sent for me, sir?

Buster: Okay guys, on my signal, get ready to make a break for it.

Kirk (to Scotty): You remember the second time we were left a visitor by the 
name of Wesley Crusher.

Scotty (grinning): Aye, sir, indeed I do.

Kirk: Would you mind giving our guests a little demonstration of that 
meeting.

Scotty: It'll be my pleasure, sir.  (raises phaser)

Buster: RUN FOR IT!!!

(The Acme crew runs, half to the left, and half to the right, the phaser 
blast hits in the middle.  The two groups reunite at the exit to the bridge, 
right on top of Scotty.  Scotty experiences the same general thing the two 
redshirts did.)

One redshirt (to Scotty): Terrible, isn't it?

Scotty: Oh, shut up and get back in line.

Kirk (to intercom): Redshirt #27, see what you can do about rounding up the 
menagerie that just left the bridge.

(The redshirt, hearing something coming around the corner, hides in
ambush.  Judging the right moment carefully, he leaps out, phaser
drawn.)

Redshirt: Ha!!

(Extreme close-up of Dizzy Devil)

Dizzy: HAAAA!!!

(A brief battle ensues.  When the dust clears, only Dizzy remains.  He is 
patting his full belly.)

Dizzy:  Mmmmm... tasty.  *BURP*  (The belch fires a phaser blast which takes 
out part of a bulkhead)  Pardon.

(The rest of the crew catches up with him.)

Buster: C'mon Dizzy!  We've got to get to a transporter room!

(Dizzy rejoins the mob.  Meanwhile, Babs activates her communicator.)

Babs: Babs to Acme.  Prepare to beam over a large number of toons.

(She gets no reply)

Babs: Acme, come in!

Mortimer (on communicator): I'm not speaking to you guys...  Acme out!

Babs: We've got trouble!  Mortimer won't beam us over!

Shirley: Surprise, surprise.

Buster: Wonderful.  Now we have to find the shuttle bay.

(As they run, the entire crew spontaneously breaks into song:)

"We were sailing along.... On shuttle bay...  You could hear the voices 
singing... They seemed to say..."

(Mercifully, we cut away from this, to the shuttle bay.  The Acme crew 
streams in, at full gallop.  Two conveniently placed shuttlecraft are ready 
for use.)

Plucky: Last one in is a rotten egg!  (A phaser blast misses him by a hair, 
er, I mean feather)  Or a dead duck, as the case may be. (The two shuttles 
are boarded in short order, and they take off, amidst much phaser fire.)

(On the Enterprise bridge:)

Chekov: Sir, they are trying to escape in two of our shuttlecraft.
Shall I tractor beam them back?

Kirk: No, Chekov, let them go.  We've got them off our ship, that's the 
important thing.  Mr. Spock, any luck in finding a way back to our own 
universe?

Spock: Not yet, captain.

Kirk: Well, let's put some distance between us and that.. zoo.  Mr.
Sulu, set a course for...

Spock: I wouldn't advise going anywhere, sir.  If we're going to find a way 
back to our own universe, it will most likely appear right here.  Leaving 
would jeopardize our chances of ever getting back.

(Jim puts on a distinct expression of frustration.)

McCoy: Cheer up, Jim.  With the scare you and Scotty put into them, I doubt 
the Acme will be giving us any more trouble.

(Shuttle bay of the Acme.  The two craft land, and then disembark.)

Buster: Plucky, Dizzy, Hamton, follow me to the battle bridge.

Those mentioned (in unison): BATTLE bridge!?

Buster: It's like you said, Number One, we went over to the Enterprise to get 
a good plot.  Now maybe it was just me, but I don't think we got it.

Plucky: Well, let's do it then!

(Battle bridge.  The four crew members are at their stations.)

Buster: Hamton, send the Enterprise this message.

(Cut to Enterprise bridge.)

Uhura: Sir, a message coming through from the Acme.  (pauses
uncertainly)  Sir, does this make sense?  "FIRE ONE."

(On the viewscreen, what looks like photon torpedoes are fired from the 
Acme.)

Kirk: Shields up!

Chekov: Aye, sir.

Spock: Captain, those missles are unarmed.  As a matter of fact, they're not 
even torpedoes.

Kirk: Then what are they?

Spock: Large lumps of iron, resembling those used to shape horseshoes in 
19th century Earth.

McCoy: You don't mean...

Spock: Yes, doctor.  Anvils.

(Impact)

Sulu: Shields are down to 70%, sir.

Kirk: Return fire.

Chekov: Sir, we don't hawe any anwils.

Kirk (sarcastically): Oh, shoot!  I guess we'll just have to use phasers 
then, won't we?

Chekov: Aye, sir.

(Acme battle bridge.)

Buster: Shields up.

(The Warner Brothers logo appears in front of the Acme.  The phasers
bounce off of it.)

Hamton: Small damage to shields.  Still at 95%.

(Enterprise bridge)

Chekov: Sir, the Acme was barely affected by our fire.

Kirk: Try the photon torpedoes.

(This proves somewhat more effective, as a couple of small holes are
blasted in the Acme's shield.)

Hamton: Shields are down to 80%.

Buster: Fire all seltzer banks.  (to Plucky)  Now, isn't this much
better?

Plucky: Oh yes, definitely.  I wish I'd thought of it sooner.

(Enterprise bridge)

Sulu: Sir, we're being hit by... a stream of water.

Kirk (rolling his eyes and sounding a lot like Eddie Valiant): Toons...

Chekov: No damage to shields, but sensors are temporarily down.

Kirk: Can we fire any more torpedoes?

Chekov: Not accurately.

Kirk: Fire a spread in the general direction of the Acme, then.

Chekov: Firing, sir.

(Back to the Acme, just in time for heavy impact.)

Dizzy: Shields down to 25%.  Can't take much more, captain.

Buster: Dizzy, prepare to fire secret weapon #4.

(Plucky and Hampton look at Buster in horror.)

Plucky: Not number FOUR?!!

Buster (looking at Plucky uncertainly): Yes, Number One, Number Four.  You 
know... (puts hand to face deliberately for a moment)

Plucky and Hamton (in unison): Oh, number _four_!

Dizzy: Weapon ready, sir.

(Cue overly dramatic music, as we pull to an extreme close-up of Buster)

Buster:  Mr. Devil.... fire.

(As iris closes on Buster, he holds it open for a second to say to the 
audience:)

Buster:  Look at the bright side.  We'll be back in somewhat less than three 
months.

(commercial)

Act III: "The Wrath of Mortimer"
--------------------------------
(On the battle bridge of the Acme)

Buster: Mr. Devil, fire.

(Exterior shot of the Acme and the Enterprise.  A mechanical hand pops out of 
the bottom of the Acme, and extends itself towards the Enterprise, 
depositing a huge cream pie across the front of the Enterprise.)

(Inside the Enterprise.)

Chekov: Shields are holding, but both phasers and torpedoes are jammed.  
Forvard sensors are down.

Kirk (burying his head): This is embarrassing.  (raising his head)  Mr. Sulu, 
how far have we travelled since we entered this universe.

Sulu: Just a handful of kilometers.

Kirk: Mr. Chekov, can we fire torpedoes directly aft?

Chekov: Aye, sir, but that wouldn't be anyvhere near the Acme.

Kirk: That's just fine.  Mr. Chekov, prepare to fire at that heading, Mr. 
Sulu, put us into reverse and prepare to engage impulse engines.

Spock: Captain, if you're thinking of doing what I think you're thinking of 
doing, I must warn you that it is highly illogical.

Kirk: Noted, Mr. Spock, but if you will recall our little misadventure with 
a certain desert-dwelling bird...

McCoy: The Wald/Shefter parody?

Kirk: The same.  At any rate, I highly doubt that the laws of logic
apply here.  So until we are back in our own universe, kindly refrain from 
commenting on how logical something is.

(McCoy grins VERY broadly.)

Kirk: Mr. Chekov, fire.  Mr. Sulu, impulse power.

Scotty (on intercom): Sir, the engines canna take much more of this...

Kirk: What are you talking about, Scotty?  We can do impulse forever.

Scotty (on intercom): Aye, but it's me last chance to get in that
line...

(Cut to the battle bridge of the Acme.)

Dizzy: Sir, they're in retreat.

Hamton: Sir, sensors show that they have... blasted a hole in space.
(scratches head)  I didn't know you could do that.

Plucky: You can't!  Let me see that thing... (walks up to Hamton's
panel, then just stares at it)

Buster: Something wrong, number one?

Plucky: But... but it's impossible!

Buster: No less possible than their getting here, I would think.

Hamton: The Enterprise has passed through the hole.  The hole is now
sealing itself up.

(On the viewscreen, a great space needle and thread is sewing up the
hole.)

Buster (sighs): Well, I guess that's it, then.

(But not quite.  Babs Bunny is about to enter her quarters, the doors open 
as per usual, and a boxing glove pops out of her quarters and knocks her out 
cold, to the appropriate bell sound.)

(Calamity Coyote is in Engineering, doing some routine work.  One button he 
presses doesn't sound right.  It start giving off a few sparks.  Calamity's 
mouth twitches nervously.  Suddenly, he is caught in the middle of a huge 
shower of sparks.  He comes out of it well-blackened, with the very top of 
his head on fire.  He calmly puts out the small fire with two fingers.)

(Shirley floats into her quarters, and decides to consult her Ouija
board.  She reads the letters off:)

Shirley: L..O..O..K..O..U..T..B..E..L..O..W..

(She is perplexed by this message.  She looks up, just in time to catch half 
a ton of mashed potatoes in the face.)

Shirley (voice muffled by the mound of potatoes): What, no gravy?

(Sure enough, add five gallons of gravy to the pile.)

Shirley: Like, I hadda ask.

(A tired Furrball drags himself into his quarters.  He finds his second wind 
very quickly, though, when a bulldog chases him back out.)

(The four crew members that were on the battle bridge take their posts on the 
main bridge, with Mortimer (who, as we recall, has had the ship to himself 
for a while) already at one station.)

Mortimer (baiting): So, did you guys have a REALLY good time over there?

Buster: Trust me.  You didn't miss much over there.

Mortimer: Gee, that's too bad.  I almost feel bad about it.

Hamton: About what?  (He presses a button on his panel and gets covered with 
a huge mound of dirt)

(Dizzy doesn't even get to his panel.  He steps towards his station and 
disappears with a splash.  Move to show that he has fallen through a trap 
door into a pool of water.)

(Plucky takes his chair, and it immediately tips backwards and dumps
him.)

Buster (smiling, oblivious to most of the happenings around him): Slight 
furniture problem, Number One?  (he sits in his chair, which proceeds to 
fold itself twice, squishing its occupant.)

(Mortimer can no longer contain himself.  He bursts out laughing at his 
crewmates' misfortunes.  Plucky, the least incapacitated, is the first to 
pose the obvious question:)

Plucky: You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, ensign?

Mortimer (between bursts of laughter): You guys look... SO silly...

(Buster, meanwhile, has extricated himself.)

Buster (muttering flatly): Better start looking over your shoulder, kid.

Mortimer: Believe me, I had to resist the urge to just take off on you guys.  
But this was SO much more fun.

(As Dizzy and Hamton finally free themselves, Buster and Plucky turn to one 
another, and give one sharp nod.)

(Conference room.  All victimized parties are present.  Buster is at the head 
of the table.)

Buster: I called this meeting because each of us has been victimized by a 
prank set up by Mortimer.  Now, I know some of you want to get back at the 
little snot, I mean ensign.  I just want to know what everyone intends.

Babs (with black eye, in an appropriate voice): I wanna moider da bum!

(Calamity holds up a sign, "I could've been killed again!")

(Furrball, with doggie teeth still firmly clenched onto his tail, raises a 
fist in support of the general mood.)

Buster: Okay, those who want revenge raise their hands.

(Babs, Dizzy, Calamity, Furrball, Shirley, Buster and Plucky raise their 
hands, then all stare at Hamton, the only one without a hand up.  A few 
seconds later Hamton catches on and makes it unanimous.)

Buster: All right, then, can I just ask that we do it in one shot, so that 
we can keep this whole thing from getting out of hand?  I don't need this 
thing still going on when the next inspection rolls around or anything like 
that.

(General sounds of reluctant agreement)

Buster: So, all that's left is to decide what we're going to do to him.  
Any ideas?

Babs: Hamton, what did you say about that "Scotty" episode?

Buster (cutting in): No, no, no, that only works if we want to get rid of him 
permanently.  And as was shown in "Back to the Future: TNG", that could be a 
big mistake.

Plucky: Now wait a second.  Why don't we invoke one of those cartoon
cliches and make the punishment fit the crime?  He wanted to get off
the ship, so...

Babs (picking up the cue): Set him adrift in a shuttle!

Buster (considering): Better... the only problem is, the wunderkind
might just turn around and attack us.  We could end up having to shoot him 
down...

(The entire room ponders this, a smile slowly forms on everyone's lips, then 
simultaneously they snap out of it:)

All: No, no, no...

Buster: Still, it's a good thought, if only we could... wait!  I've got it!  
Listen up!  (they huddle)

(Cut to Mortimer, rising from bed, stretching, and all that.  His room is 
decorated with whatever six- to ten-year-olds hang in their rooms these days, 
perhaps a "Teenage Mutant Ninja Rabbit" poster or two.)

Mortimer (to camera): Yeah, yeah, I know they're gunning for me.  It's just 
that I haven't been able to find what they're going to do.

(He hops over to the closet, to get a uniform.  Very cautiously, he
opens it.  Nothing happens.  After looking things over very carefully, he 
selects a uniform.  Inspecting the uniform to his satisfaction, he puts 
it on.  Nothing happens.)

Mortimer: So far, so good.

(He exits his quarters.  Or rather, he would have, if he hadn't stopped 
himself from falling into empty space on the other side (a la the (first) 
Traveller episode).  After a few choice screams, he pulls himself back in.)

(Producing a stick from whatever dimension toons get those kinds of
things, he tries the door again from a distance, and quickly jerks
backward when the doors reveal the same black space as before.)

Mortimer (amazingly calm): Not bad.  I just wish I knew how they did it.

(He finds a note lying on the floor.  The note reads "Mortimer: Have a nice 
trip.  -- Babs")

Mortimer: Okay, let's sum things up.  I'm in my room, which is somehow cut 
off from the rest of the ship.  Well, maybe not.

(He goes to the communicator panel in his room, and tries a few buttons. No 
response.)

Mortimer: Okay, so I am officially cut off from the ship.  I also know that 
this is probably part of a practical joke.  So what to do?  (sighs) Just wait 
it out, I guess.  (He goes and lies down on his bed)

(Cut to Engineering, where several toons have been watching all this on a 
screen.)

Plucky: So how long do we let him stew?  Ten minutes?  Fifteen minutes?

Babs: A year?

Buster: Let's just wait and see how well he holds up.

(The clock reads 8:00.  Fade to it reading 8:06...)

Buster: I have to admit, he's holding up longer than I thought.

Shirley: Wait, I think he's breaking...

(Sure enough, Mortimer is losing it.  After a few seconds of eye-effects, 
he makes a mad dash for the doors.  They open, and Mortimer
charges out into nothingness.)

(To Engineering)

Buster: Computer.  End program on Holodeck One.

(The screen shows Mortimer finding himself in the middle of a blank
holodeck.)

Buster: Good work, Calamity.  (Calamity smiles in acknowledgement) Come on 
guys, let's go collect our young ensign.

(They leave.  Cut to them arriving at the holodeck, and entering.
Mortimer is resting against a tree, at the edge of a clearing.)

Buster: Well, Mortimer, I hope we've all learned a lesson here.  Are you 
willing to call it even?

Mortimer (thinks it over): Not just yet.

(Suddenly, Mortimer fades away very quickly.)

Babs: What the...?

(The holodeck doors close.  Cut to outside holodeck, Mortimer (the
"real" one) is at the controls.)

Mortimer: Computer, seal doors for a period of twenty minutes, on
password Mortimer-zeta.

Computer: Confirmed.

Mortimer: Introduce two copies of character "Elmer Fudd", in hunting
outfit, and two copies of character "Yosemite Sam", in Wild West
costume.

Computer: Done.

Mortimer: Run program.

(He hops away happily, whistling the closing "Looney Tunes" theme, over some 
heavy banging on the holodeck door.  Freeze frame.  Pull back to show that 
this has all appeared on a TV screen.  Lights on reveal Patrick Stewart and 
Jonathon Frakes (the actors who play Picard and Riker), who have been viewing 
all of this from the set of Siskel and Ebert, except that it is titled 
"Frakes & Stewart".  They are in contemporary, 20th century wardrobe.)

Frakes: The latest offering from Kevin... (pauses before butchering my last 
name) Podseeyadlick and his "Toon Trek" parody series, this episode titled 
"The Meta-Parody".  Your comments, Pat?

Stewart: Well, I thought the analogy to our crew was pretty good.  But the 
whole thing struck me as a trifle, well, silly.

Frakes: I thought that was the whole point of the thing.  After all,
this is a Warner Brothers' style production.

Stewart: Well, I suppose you might have a point there.  At any rate, my 
biggest objection to this was the blatant stealing of ideas from other Star 
Trek parodies.  Besides those they directly admitted to in the picture, there 
were quite a few others, like that "Warp As-Fast-As-It-Takes", a direct rip 
off from Murphy's "The Perplexed Generation".

Frakes: I have to disagree.  Once again, I think that was the point of this 
picture.  Just the title, "The Meta-Parody", says that this is a parody of 
parodies.  The only way I know of to parody something is to steal from it, 
and then twist it around so that, for example, the Wesley character comes out 
on top, for a change, as we just saw.

Stewart: Still, it makes me wonder if this one won't run into copyright 
problems.

Frakes: So would virtually every other parody writer, if Paramount were 
nasty enough.  Anyway, going back to the analogy between our crew and the 
Tiny Toon crew, while it is true that there is a strong correlation between 
the two, I have to object to being portrayed by that horribly egotistical 
Plucky Duck.

Stewart: What's the matter, Number One, did it ruffle your feathers?
(Frakes forces a smile)  Admittedly, though, I, too, had a slight
problem being portrayed by a two-and-a-half foot tall cartoon rabbit.

Frakes: Oh, that's right, I forgot.  Hare and you don't go together.

(Suddenly, Stewart lunges for Frakes' throat.  The two of them start
wrestling on the floor.  Pan to the door behind them, where we see Porky Pig 
standing in a round doorway.

Porky:  Th-th-thank you, g-g-gent, g-g-gen, guys.  D-d-don't call us, 
w-w-we won't call you.

(The doorway in front of him closes like a camera shutter, (or if that's too 
hard to do, just slides shut), revealing the famous "That's all folks" 
picture painted on it.  The end.)