Wicked Ways
By Kieron Wells ( Dark Helmet ) ( Dark_Helmet5@hotmail.com )
	
	" What do you mean your dumping me?!?" Montana Max asked, his eyes
becoming wide as he was horrified at Elmyra dumping him seemingly out of the blue
at the end of this Monday at school.
	" I'm tired of you being mean to the cute little bunny wunnies!" Elmyra
exclaimed.
	" You're dumping me over those stupid rabbits?" Monty asked, more
shocked than before.
	" I love the cute little hippity hopps!"	
	" More than me?" 
	" Yes!" Elmyra declared. She then stormed off down the hall and Monty's
jaw had literally dropped to the floor. Of all the things he would have expected, this
might be last on the list.
	" What's with you?" Fowlmouth asked, approaching him from behind.
	" That dimwit dumped me!" Monty whined.
	" So? You never liked that ***** anyway."
	" Before I could rub money AND popularity in the loser's faces. Now, all I
have is money!" Monty shouted.
	" You know, normally that wouldn't bother you," Fowlmouth said. " Since
when is money not enough for you to make yourself feel better than other people?" 
	" It is enough, but having cash and a chick gives humiliating others a
personal side," Monty explained
	" Well, find some other ***** and get her to go out with ya."
	" No. Elmyra wanted me for a couple of years. I could rub it in other guys
faces when I had this idiotic girl desperate to go out with me. They got jealous. If I
ask a girl out myself I'll look as bad as other people," Monty whined. 
	The two continued walking as they discussed what Monty could do. The
only girl he ever dated was Elmyra, and everybody thought that was the best he'd
ever do. Monty grumbled more profanities than Fowlmouth as he walked down the
hall, pushing over the occasional person out of frustration. Monty was also angry he
was deprived of the eventual pleasure of dumping Elmyra in a cruel, humiliating
fashion. 
	Monty walked by Buster, who was holding Babs' hand, and shoved him. The
shove knocked Buster to the ground.
	" What's with him?" Babs asked as Monty continued walking down the hall.
	" Ah, he's just being himself," Buster replied.
	" To think Elmyra actually had a purpose," Monty muttered in disbelief to
himself in the back of his stretch limo.
	Monty grumbled a little more to himself as the limo drove away from the
school. He spotted Plucky and Shirley walking away holding hands through the
tinted window of his long, white limousine. 
	" Ha! Stupid duck. Money comes first than more personal ways of making
yourself better than other people. No wonder he isn't rich!" Monty yelled. That made
him feel a little better.
	" Like Plucky, you're time is up. You gave me five dollars so you could hold
my hand in front of Montana Max. Can you totally let go now?" Shirley asked.
	" You know, you could keep holding my hand," Plucky asked. Shirley
scowled at him.
	" No need to thank me Shirl," Plucky said, sound like he was doing her a
favour.
	Shirley tightened her grip around his hand, twirled him around and sent him
flying over the school. Plucky landed in a dumpster behind the school on top of
several rotten banana peels and other revolting cafeteria remains.
	Monty got home and punched a few expensive vases when he walked inside
his mansion  to make himself feel better. The shattering crystal relieved his tension a
little.
	" Monty, what are you doing?" Monty's father asked when he walked in on
Monty standing next to the smashed vases.
	" Uh... nothing. It wasn't me," Monty stuttered.
	" Then who was it Monty?" he asked.
	" Uh... one of those poor kids trying to get revenge on us," Monty explained
with the dishonestly obvious in his voice.
	" Now Monty, I know you better than to let poor people past the door.
Normally you throw dynamite at them if they get within teen feet if our property,"
his father said.
	" Fine, I smashed them!" Monty declared.
	" Now that's going to have to come out of your allowance," Monty's father
told him.
	" But dad!" Monty protested.
	" No buts, Monty. Let's see. That was five vases at a thousand dollars each.
So, taking that five thousand dollars out you'll only get ninety five thousand this
week," his dad said.
	" Fine," Monty groaned, sounding very disappointed that he would lose any
money.
	Later on that night, the phone in the huge Max mansion rang.
	" One moment miss," the butler said softly as he walked away.
	Grovelley walked down the hall and knocked on the bathroom door.
	" Go away!" Monty yelled from within, busy reading the Wall Street Journal
while sitting inside.
	" Sir, a Miss Melody is on the phone asking if you want to donate Money to
the school dance fund," the butler explained.
	" Dance fund?" Monty asked.
	" Yes sir. Apparently they are having a dance at your school and they need
financial assistance," Grovelley pointed out.
	" Release the hounds!" Monty ordered.
	" Sir, she's on the phone not at the door," Gorvelley pointed out.
	" Well, send some hounds to her house," Monty suggested.
	" Very good sir," Grovelley said approvingly.
	Fifteen minutes later, the door bell at Mary Melody's home rang. At the foot
of her door was a large brown package that was shaking violently.
	She ripped back the wrapping on the outside, opened the box within, and
three vicious dogs jumped out at her.
	" Ah!" Mary yelled as she dashed off with the dogs in pursuit.
	Mary made it around the block with the dogs still following her until she ran
right into Elmyra knocking both of them to the ground.
	" Elmyra, run!" Mary pleaded.
	" Why?" Elmyra asked.
	" Vicious dogs," Mary gasped, out of breath from the run.
	" Oooooh!!! Puppy wuppies!" Elmyra squealed, spotting the salivating attack
dogs.
	After spotting Elmyra running at them with open arms, the dogs whimpered
and ran in the opposite direction.
	" Come back puppies! I have so much love to give!" Elmyra yelled as she
chased them.
	" That is the last time I ever ask Monty for money," Mary muttered to
herself, not having to think too long to find an explanation for the dogs.
	" Monty, what was that person calling about?" Monty's mother asked when
Monty finally came out of the bathroom after twenty minutes or so ( he needed to
finish the whole Wall Street Journal without his parents asking for it back ).
	" Ah, it's just poor pathetic losers asking for money for some stupid school
dance," Monty said.
	" Oh, a school dance?" Monty's mother asked.
	" Yeah, really stupid stuff," Monty bellowed.
	" Well, what about your little girlfriend? Oh, you know the psychotic one,"
Monty's mother said.
	" Elmyra? Ha! I dumped her," Monty declared.
	" Well, that's not good. We know her parents, so I'll call and make sure
Elmyra isn't heartbroken," Monty's mother explained, sounding sympathetic towards
Elmyra.
	" No! Don't do that!" Monty yelled.
	" Why not? When a girl loses a catch like you she's bound to be upset,"
Monty's mother said.
	" Don't bother to call them," Monty ordered," she's too stupid to be upset."
	" Well, all right," Monty's mother sighed.
	Back at Elmyra's house, she was preparing cages and outfits for her new pets
when her mother walked into her room.
	" Oh, mommy wommy guess what? I dumped that awful Monty wonty and
got some new puppy wuppies!" Elmyra shrieked.
	" You dumped Monty?" Elmyra's mother asked.
	" Oh, he was icky. I like these puppies much better," Elmyra explained.
	" Well I bet he's heart broken. I'd better call his parents," Elmyra's mother
said.
	Elmyra's mother called up Monty's house and began talking with his mother.
	" Is Monty all right?" Elmyra's asked.
	" Yes, why wouldn't he be?" Monty's mother asked.
	" Didn't he say anything about what happened?" Elmyra's mother asked.
	" Yes, and I would assume Elmyra would be the upset one," Monty's mother
explained.
	" Why would she be upset if she dumped Monty?" Elmyra's mother asked.
	" That's not what I heard. I heard he dumped her," Monty's mother argued.
	" No, she dumped him," Elmyra's mother proclaimed.
	" Oh. Well, that would explain the especially bad mood he was in when he
got home. And for him, an especially bad mood is really saying something," Monty's
mother said.
	" Well, I'll go talk to Monty about this," Monty's mother shouted.
	They both hung up the phone and Elmyra's mother walked back into her
room.
	" Elmyra, I talked to Monty's parents," Elmyra's mother said, sounding a little
annoyed.
	Elmyra's mother then thought of something. If Elmyra thought she broke a
guy's heart, that could boost her self esteem.
	" He was all broken up honey," Elmyra's mother explained in a soft tone.
	Elmyra looked up from her new pets with a little bit of awe in her eyes. Even
she, the girl dumber than a speed bump, could realize that breaking the heart of
somebody who appeared not to have one was significant. 
	The next day, Monty arrived at school later than everybody else. Grovelley
brought him in on a throne and dropped him in front of his locker.
	" Open it Grovelley," Monty ordered.
	" Yes sir," Grovelley replied, opening the door.
	" Tissue Monty?" Babs offered, chuckling as she walked passed him.
	" Why would I need anything from you?" Monty asked.
	" Well, it sounds like you need a shoulder to cry on. Does that count as
something?" Buster asked, chuckling a little himself.
	The two rabbits chuckled and continued walking.
	Fowlmouth walked up to Monty's locker, laughing hysterically.
	" You cried over Elmyra?  Elmyra? Ha ha ha," Fowlmouth chuckled.
	" What are you talking about you dimwit?" Monty asked.
	" We all know how you were heartbroken when Elmyra dumped you,"
Fowlmouth said.
	" What?!? I wasn't heartbroken!" Monty yelled.
	" That's not what I heard," Fowlmouth told Monty as he began walking
away.
	" That stupid rocks for brains loser!!!!" Monty yelled.
	Just then Dizzy walked by and growled," Monty sad over Elmyra?" He then
began laughing.
	" Oh shut up!!" Monty yelled as he knocked Dizzy over the head with a large
wooden mallet..
	All day people mocked Monty for being upset over Elmyra. Finally at lunch
he found her.
	" You moron! Why have you been telling people I cried over a ditz like
you?" Monty asked.
	" Last night you were crying over losing me," Elmyra said with a hint of
superiority in her voice..
	" I would never cry over an idiot like you!" Monty said.
	" Face it Monty, you miss me," Elmyra confidently stated.
	" Stop telling people that! I don't miss you!" Monty screamed.
	" Stop making a scene trying to win me back," Elmyra ordered.
	The whole cafeteria was now staring at Monty. He could see hundreds of
beady eyes focused on him exclusively. 
	" What are you looking at?" Monty demanded.
	" A desperate boy trying to win back Elmyra!" Plucky yelled from across the
room. The rest of the cafeteria was silent.
	" Go back to your pathetic lives!!" Monty yelled. Everybody turned around
and continued eating.
	" Monty, I don't want you back so just go away," Elmyra commanded.
	" I don't care if you don't want me back, but stop spreading lies!!!" Monty
yelled.
	" Lunch monitor!!" Elmyra yelled.
	" Like the wimpy little lunch monitor can get me to leave," Monty chuckled.
	He turned around and saw Arnold standing behind him.
	" Uh oh," Monty gulped nervously.
	The next thing people in the hall outside the cafeteria saw was Montana Max
being launched right by them. Eventually he slammed right into Daffy and they both
got knocked down.
	" Poor Monty. Who knew he would actually get upset over getting
dumped?" Buster asked.
	" I think it serves him right," Plucky declared," wouldn't you agree Shirley?"
With that Plucky leaned closer to Shirley who was sitting right next to him.
	" Like totally back up or you'll be flying further than Monty did," Shirley
threatened.
	" Will you be joining me?" Plucky asked.
	The people in the hall saw Plucky being launched through next and Shirley
and her Aura standing in the cafeteria door.
	" Like I wish Plucky would realized I'm not interested right now," Shirley
commented as she sat back down.
	Right next to where he landed in the hall, Monty saw a banner for the dance
on Friday.
	" The perfect opportunity to get back at Elmyra," Monty thought to himself.
He then got a devious smirk on his face.
	Monty thought the rest of the day about who would go to the dance with
him. Obviously no names came to mind. It didn't matter since just a regular girl
wouldn't impress anybody and make it look like he'd move beyond Elmyra. He
needed a spectacular girl. Finally, while sitting at home watching TV, an idea came
to him.
	" Next on Channel 6: Toonwatch," the television commentator stated.
	" Toonwatch? Is this that dippy lifeguard show with all the bimbos running
on the beach?" Monty asked himself out loud.
	" That's right, Toonwacth. That dippy lifeguard show with all the bimbos
running on the beach," the TV commentator explained.
	As Monty saw the girls in small, red bikinis running up and down the beach
in slow motion, he got an idea.
	" If I got one of those girls, everybody would forget I ever went out with
Elmyra," Monty thought to himself. He would have stood up at that moment to go
call the studio, but he couldn't help watching the entire hour of the show. He also
taped it.
	After the show ended Monty had no idea what had happened or what the
plot of the show was. That's how good the women on the cast looked. He rushed
over to the phone and called up the studio that produced the show.
	" Hello?" somebody grunted.
	" Is this Lighthouse studios?" Monty asked.
	" Yes. What do you want?" the man asked.
	" Can I talk to any Toonwatch girls?" Monty asked.
	" No nobody from the cast is availible," he explained.
 	" Nobody?" Monty asked, sounding surprised and angry.
	" Well, David Hasslehoff is available," the voice on the other end told Monty.
	Monty shuddered and hung up. 
	" Great! Now how do I get one of those girls?" Monty asked himself. " Ah,
they're all fake anyway!" 
	After saying that Monty got an idea. He picked up the phone and called
Calamity. The phone was picked up but no sound came out.
	" Is this Calamity?" Monty asked. No answer. 
	" Must be. Listen, I need your help. If you're willing to build absolutely
anything I want you to, say nothing," Monty said. Calamity said nothing. 
	" Perfect. I'll be there in a few minutes," Monty said.
	Monty's limo pulled up in front of Calamity's lab around 6:15 P.M.
	" Calamity, I need you to make me a girlfriend," Monty told Calamity.
Calamity stuck his hand out. Monty showed him a stack of money. Calamity's eyes
grew wide and dollar signs appeared in them.
	" I want you to make a girl exactly like a Toonwatch episode," Monty
explained.
	" I've never watched Toonwatch," A sign Calamity held up read.
	" That's why I brought this video tape," Monty replied. He took the video
and placed in the VCR ( which was conveniently located three feet from where they
were standing ).
	Calamity's eyes grew just as wide as when he saw the money when he caught
a glimpse of a Toonwatch girls.
	" Now make me a robot that looks and moves just like one of them!" Monty
ordered.
	" Are you sure?" Calamity asked with a sign.
	" Of course I'm sure you moron! Now get to work!" Monty screamed. He
then walked out, slamming the door and knocking down several carefully shelved
items in the process.. 
	The next day in the cafeteria during lunch, Monty saw some of the couples
holding hands. Monty walked up to Buster and began yelling.
	" Ha! Look at the ratty, old, stupid bunny girl you have! I have a Toonwatch
girl!" Monty said. He then walked away.
	" You're not impressed by the girls on that show, are you?" Babs asked
Buster.
	" No. It's just stupid, half - plastic bimbos running up and down a beach
jumping into water. I can't even stand to watch that show," Buster declared.
	" Did you see the episode where Pamela saves that teenager from the shark
while diffusing the bomb on the submarine and shooting down the helicopter?"
Plucky asked.
	" Oh that was great!" Buster exclaimed. Babs began glaring at him.
	" I mean... uh... not that I ever watch that show," Buster stuttered.
	" What are you talking about? I watch it with you in your burrow all the
time!" Plucky siad.
	" Shut up Plucky," Buster whispered.
	" Oh right. I meant Buster never watches Toonwatch," Plucky said
nervously. Babs continued glaring at Buster.
	Monty kept the devious smile on his face the whole day and right on through
to Friday when the time of the dance arrived.
	" Hi!" Babs yelled over to her friends when she entered the dance room and
saw Shirley and Fifi. Buster was standing with Babs, and Fifi was standing with
Hamton. Plucky was slowly walking up behind Shirley, who declined to go with him.
	" You look like totally excellent," Shirley complimented.
	" You sure Shirley doesn't watch Toonwatch?" Buster asked Hamton quietly.
	" I don't think she does. Why?" Hamton asked in the same tone.
	" Because she talks just like the people on that show," Buster pointed out.
	" Are you talking about that stupid Toonwatch show again?" Babs asked.
	" No Babs. I promise, I've stopped watching that filth," Buster said very
sincerely.
	" Hi Shirley!" Plucky yelled when he snuck up behind her. 
	" Like, what do you want?" Shirley asked after shuddering for a few seconds.
	" I see you're not here with anybody. My offer to let you dance with me still
stands," Plucky said. Shirley threw him across the room. He landed in the punch
bowl.
	" She's playing hard to get," Plucky mummbled to himself with his voice
garbled because his face was submerged in the punch.
	Monty walked in wearing an expensive tuxedo, but his mechanical date
hadn't been delivered yet. After a few minutes, Calamity walked in with a large crate
and a crowbar.
	" Where have you been you imbecile? I've been standing here looking like
one of these pathetic losers for three whole minutes!" Monty screamed at him. 
	Calamity took the bar and forced open the box. Inside stood an exact replica
of one of the Toonwatch girls. It was even wearing a lifeguard outfit.	
	" Wow! She's hot!" Monty exclaimed. " Hey losers! Check out my date!"
	The whole room turned around and stared at her. Her eyes were closed and
she wasn't moving.
	" Idiot, hit the on switch!" Monty commanded in a very authoritative voice.
Calamity smirked and hit the button. Her deep blue eyes opened.
	" Ha! I outdid you all! Take that Elmyra!" Monty yelled. Elmyra looked up
from dancing with her date and saw Monty's date.
	" She isn't that cute," Elmyra declared. Elmyra's date ran over to gawk at
Monty's companion.	
	" Stare all you want. Me and her are going to go dance," Monty announced.
	" What's her name?" Hamton asked.
	" Who cares what her name is? She's with me!" Monty proclaimed.
	Monty began walking. His date began running in slow motion.
	" What is she doing?" Babs asked. Shirley shrugged.
	" Calamity, what's going on? She's just running in slow motion with a frantic
look on her face!" Monty said.
	" You said to make her look and move just like on the show," Calamity
explained via a sign.
	" So?" Monty asked.
	" So on the show they all run in slow motion all the time," Calamity's sign
read. Monty groaned.
	" So Monty, what's wrong with your date?" Buster asked.
	" Nothing! She just needs a drink!" Monty screamed sounding very
adgitated. He ran over to the punch, grabbed a cup and began pouring down his
date's throat. Calamity ducked under a table the minute he saw Monty grab the
punch. Sparks began flying the second the liquid hit her lips and she soon exploded.
Monty was left covered in soot and embarrassed. Actually just about the whole
room was covered in soot. 
	Monty got home angry and blackened from soot. He smashed a few more
expensive vases and jumped in the shower. Everybody else left the dance when the
fire suppression system soaked everybody. Nobody was happy, especially not with
Monty. 
	After Monty finished washing the soot off, he called up Calamity and verbally
thrashed him.
	" You idiot! I can't believe you didn't make her water proof! She was
supposed to be a lifeguard! What kind of genius are you, you stupid moron? Elmyra
could have built a better robot!! I want my money back you idiot!" Monty yelled.
Monty's insulting vocabulary didn't go much outside stupid and idiot.
	Monty obviously needed a new plan to make himself look popular with
women, especially after the disastrous night that was now coming to an end. The
next morning arrived without him having an idea. Monty was sitting , drinking coffee
and reading the paper when he noticed an ad at the bottom of the business section. It
said this:
	" Are you lonely? Do real girls hate you? Did your mechanical girlfriend
explode on you? Call Acme rent - a - date."
	" That's it! Acme rent - a - date!" Monty proclaimed.	
	Monty called up the number on the ad.
	" Acme rent - a - date," a voice on the other end grummbled.
	" Yeah, I need a hot date," Monty yelled into the reciever.
	" For any special occasion?" the person asked.
	" School lunch," Monty explained.
	" Oh yeah, that formal event every young person looks forward to," the
person said sarcastically.
	" Hey, do you hear me making fun of your minimum wage earning hide? NO!
So stop being an idiot!!! This is to show up some people that are dumber than you
are!!" Monty yelled. His voice was so loud it forced the phone out of the person on
the other end's hands.
	" Okay, well hot dates cost a lot of money," the person told Monty.
	" I'm rich you idiot!" Monty yelled.
	" Why does that not surprise me?" the person asked.
	" Do you have any hot ones left or not?" Monty asked very impatiently.
	" Gee, with this wonderful attitude I wonder why you can't get a real date,"
the person told Monty.
	" Answer the question or I'll buy your pathetic company for the sole purpose
of firing you!" Monty yelled into the phone.
	" You're the fifth person to make that threat today. Yes, we have a hot one
left. They're then bucks a minute," he said.
	" This costs a lot more than Acme rent - a - friend," Monty said, soudning
very angry about the price increase.
	" Well, you could find a date on your own," the operator said, laughing.
 	" Shut up and sign me up for a date with the hot one this Monday!" Monty
ordered. 
	Monday arrived and Monty was missing first period waiting for the rent - a -
date to show up. Finally, a blue truck pulled up. An over weight woman with too
much make up walked up to Monty.
	" Are you from the rent - a - date?" Monty asked. She nodded yes.
	" Ah!" Monty yelled. He then ran inside the school screaming.
	" Most people react better to the delivery woman," that woman commented.
	After a while, Monty found out who his rental date really was. She fit the
description given to him on the phone perfectly: a beautiful, young blonde woman.
	Monty walked into the cafeteria first.
	" Hey Monty! The sparks were really flying between you and your date on
Friday, weren't they?" Plucky yelled. The whole cafeteria laughed.
	" Oh Cheryl!" Monty called, followed by a snap of his fingers.. The rental
woman walked in as the cafeteria lights dimmed and a spotlight shone solely on
those two.
	" Is this one going to blow up too?" Buster asked.
	" No you idiot!" Monty replied. Buster ( along with just about every other
guy in the room ) began drooling when they saw her. 
	" Champagne?" Monty asked her, pulling out a glass. Babs ran over and
knocked the glass out of her hand before she could take a drink.
	" You stupid rabbit! Why'd you just do that?" Monty asked.
	" Sorry, but the last time you gave a girl a drink the gym exploded. We just
can't run the risk," Babs said.
	" Says who?" Monty asked.
	" It's now in the school safety regulations," Babs said, handing him a copy. A
section was highlighted that read " Montana Max's dates are not to consume liquids
of any kind."
	After a few more minutes, Monty and his date were about to kiss. The whole
cafeteria turned around and watched. Their lips grew closer and closer. When they
were about to collide a watch alarm went off. Monty's date stood up.
	" Sorry, but  your time is up," she said, walking out of the caafeteria.
Everybody began laughing and Monty's date left.
	" This isn't supposed to happen to me! I'm rich!!!!" Monty yelled. Everybody
continued laughing. 
	In a desperate attempt to make himself feel better, Monty took some money,
ran up to Buster and yelled," hey rabbit!! I have money and you don't!! Ha ha ha!" 
	Buster put his arm around Babs and asked," so?"
	Monty walked out of the cafeteria looking very angry and his face was bright
red. He thought to himself," there are hundreds of girls in this school of all different
types. At least one of them has to like me. If not, I'll just have to make one like me."
	The first kind of girl Monty saw walking down the hall were intelligent
looking ones. They had glasses and preppy clothes on. They weren't his type, but it
seemed a lot of the time preppies were rich. He also figured that no guy had ever
liked them, so if one liked him they would never break up with him because they'd
never find anybody else. 
	The following day, Monty showed up in a vest, his hair was neat and he was
wearing semi - formal pants and lensless glasses.. 
	" I feel like beating myself up," Monty muttered as he peered at his attire. 
	" Monty, ya look like a ****ing geek," Fowlmouth pointed out bluntly,"
what's with the stupid *** get up anyway?" 
	" I'm trying to appeal to one of those rich but nerdy chicks," Monty
explained.
	" Why the **** would you do that?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" Because, they're rich and not likely to reject you," Monty explained.
	" Why, you don't want to have your  heart broken again? Hehehe,"
Fowlmouth chuckled.
	" Shut up!!!" Monty screamed so loudly it send Fowlmouth into a wall
nearby. " I'm just trying for some girl I can treat like dirt that won't reject me so that
loser bunny won't have anything to rub my face in!!"
	" ****, you make too big a deal out of this," Fowlmouth told Monty with a
little disappointment in his voice.
	" What do you know?" Monty yelled at him. Fowlmouth was too stunned
from the loud yelling and now the ringing in his ear to respond to Monty. 	
	Monty saw a girl with thick glasses and braided hair opening her locker. He
walked up next to her and acted as if the locker adjacent to hers was his. She
glanced over and saw him. Immediately her eyes lit up when she caught a glimpse of
Monty's new look. 
	Monty noticed her smiling. He didn't want to look interested in her so it
would seem to anybody watching ( Monty got the feeling that there was a large
crowd watching him even though nobody was looking in his direction ) that it was
only the girl being interested in him. He tried to open the locker, and eventually
pulled out a hammer and smashed it open. When he did open it, he found a mirror, a
ton of make up and guys pictures in hearts on the inside of the door. The girl next to
him saw all this stuff, got a shocked look on her face and ran away.
	" Wait! Come back! This isn't my locker!" Monty yelled. 
	" Not your locker?" a nasal voice asked from behind Monty. He could feel
the spit on the back on his neck.
	" Well, uhh,uhh..." Monty stuttered.
	" See you in detention," Daffy asked. Monty bashed his head off a locker in
frustration. The problem was, it was the open one. His face flew into the make up
and he came out with very heavy and noticeable make up all over his face.
	" That shade is all wrong for your face. You need puffy pink," Babs said,
laughing as she walked by, noticing Monty's face. Monty growled and his face
turned beat red.
	Monty spent most of his time in detention trying to come devise a new plan
to get a girl to like him. 
	" Like, why don't you just give some ***** some money to go out with
you?" Fowlmouth asked from the seat next to him.
	" Quiet down varmint!!!" Yosemite Sam yelled from the front of the room.
	" You idiot! That's illegal," Monty explained to his slow friend.
	" I said quiet down!" Sam yelled.
	Monty walked to the front of the room, handed Sam a stack of money and
asked," now can we talk?"
	" Uh... Sure, go ahead," Sam said, flipping through the stack of cash.
	" As I was saying. Fowlmouth, what other kind of girl can I appeal to?"
Monty asked.
	" The greedy type," Fowlmouth suggested.
	" Be serious!" Monty ordered him.
	" Well, what about jocks?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" Did that make up give you the wrong idea? I'm trying to get a GIRL
interested in me!" Monty said.
	" I mean a sports chick. Like one of those babes that plays on the basketball
team or something," Fowlmouth said.
	Monty thought about the idea for a while before deciding it could work. The
following day, Montana Max showed up at school with a hockey jersey on, boxing
gloves, football pants and a baseball cap. He then walked down by the gym just as
the girls' gym class was beginning. Monty began walking around a particularly good
looking girl walking in. 
	" Yes?" she said to him as she opened her locker. She had a football jersey on
and was in great shape. It wasn't hard to tell she was the kind of girl he was set on
finding today. 
	Monty was about to say something, but before he could she began rambling
on and on, saying," wow, you've got a Philadelphia Flyers jersey on. Me, I like the
New York Rangers. You see, Philadelphia is a playoff choker and they never did
address their goaltending situation properly and they could have done some better
trading, but on the other hand they play in a weak conference where everybody
chokes. Like Pittsburgh, they don't have a good goalie either but neither does
Detroit and they do all right but..."
	( half an hour later )
	"... and like that's why I hate Phoenix. What do you think?" she finished.
	Monty suffered sort of an information overload. He just stood their stunned
and unable to say anything. The girl waved her hand in front of his face, but he didn't
even blink. She shrugged and walked away.
	While Monty was still frozen, Buster and Babs walked by. Suddenly Monty
got out of his trance.
	" Monty what's with that weird outfit?" Buster asked.
	" Wouldn't you like to know!!" Monty yelled. He then walked away.	
	Monty, angered at another failed attempt, walked into his house that night
and hit another expensive vase, only this time it didn't fall off and break. Monty tried
to pick it up and smash it, but it was stuck to the table.
	" Hey! What gives?" Monty asked.
	" Well Monty, we're sick of having expensive vases broken because you're
mad, so we cemented them down," his father explained. He then walked into another
room.
	Monty tried punching one them them. The sound of his hand cracking could
be heard by anybody close by.
	" We also coated the inside with cement!" His father yelled from the next
room. 
	" Now you tell me!!!" Monty yelled, holding his hand which was now
throbbing in pain.
	Monty walked over kicked the TV and his foot grew huge, turned read and
throbbed in pain.
	Realizing he should stop trying to break things before he injured himself
further, Monty decided on another way to take out his frustration. He opened up the
phone book and called acme rent - a - friend. Ten minutes later, the door bell rang
and Grovelley answered it.
	" Rent a friend," the man at the door said. Monty ran up, threw Grovelly
aside and saw his rent a friend waiting. He was a scrawny little kid with red hair.
	" I have a frequent user card," Monty told him, holding out his rent a friend
card. The rental kid walked in.
	" So what do you want to do best pal?" the kid asked. Monty pulled out a
mallet.
	" Oh, you want to play with mallets?" the kid asked. Monty got a sinister
smirk on his face. The rental friend smirked, pulled out a much larger mallet and hit
Monty, who was crushed as flat as a pancake.
	" Wow, this is fun," the rental kid told him.
	" Get out of my house!" Monty screamed.
	Monty stood up as the kid walked out and re-inflated himself.
	" I can't believe I paid good Money for that!!!" Monty screamed.
	" Calm down son. You paid with the expired card he didn't notice," Monty's
father explained.
	" Still! That little brat can't hit me with a mallet! I'm rich!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Maybe you should work some of this anger off. I could have a gym built in
the backyard so you would have a punching bag to take this out on," Monty's father
said.  
	" We already have a gym attached to our house, remember?" Monty asked.
	" Yeah, but its been there for at least a month. I'm sure you're sick of it by
now, so we need a new one," Monty's father explained.
	" It doesn't matter if we get a new one. I know what I could do," Monty said
in a slightly devious tone.
	 Monty snapped his fingers and Grovelley brought him the phone. He dialed
Buster's number.
	" Hello?" Buster said when he answered the phone.
	" Shut up!!!!!" Monty yelled. He then hung up. Buster got a confused look
on his face and walked away from the phone.
	" Grovelley come here so I can drop an anvil on you!" Monty ordered.
	" I'm afraid I won't be doing that sir," Grovelley replied.
	" Why? You can't defy my orders!" Monty yelled.
	" No, sir, but I'm union and that protects us from having cartoon violence
inflicted on us," Grovelley said.
	" I knew those labor losers were up to no good when they came to see you
last month!" Monty screamed.
	Monty's frustration was very  obvious the following morning at Acme
Looniversity. His face was red and twitching and his eyes were wide open. Elmur
Fudd tried to even avoid eye contact with him during first period.
	" What's with you? Too much coffee this morning?" Fowlmouth asked. 
	" I didn't sleep at all. I was too busy thinking of all those moneyless losers
being looked up to by the unpopular! Poor people should never be looked up to!"
Monty yelled.
	" Calm down Monty. Just because no chick would touch you with a ten foot
pole is no reason to be so ****ing pissed off," Fowlmouth said.
	" Ah what do you know?!?" Monty yelled at him. The yell was so loud it
knocked Fowlmouth from his chair into a wall across the room. 
	" Why do I keep talking to a loser like that about dating problems?" Monty
asked himself. He looked over and saw Fowlmouth, who was halfway through the
wall, smiling at Shirley. Shirley was replying with a disgusted look on her face.
	" I think I'm better off trying to come up a way to make a girl like me
myself," Monty said. 
	At the front of the room a short female duck with frizzy black hair staring at
Fowlmouth, who still hadn't removed himself from the wall. He was too busy staring
at Shirley. 
	" A girl is looking at Fowlmouth! This can't be happening! This is INSANE!"
Monty exclaimed. After thinking about it for a few more seconds, Monty thought to
himself," if that girl could be interested in a loser like Fowlmouth, she would have to
like a guy like me!" 
	A few seconds later, the bell rang for class to end and Monty walked up to
the girl who still hadn't taken her eyes off Fowlmouth.
	" Hey!" He yelled at her. She shook from the surprise of the harsh voice
blaring in her ear. She then began walking over towards Fowlmouth. Monty stepped
in front of her and once again yelled," Hey!!!"
	" What is it?" she asked while moving her head trying to see Fowlmouth.
	" Why are you going after a loser like him?" Monty asked.
	" He's tough and I like that," she replied.
	" Wouldn't you rather have me? Come on! You know you want me!" Monty
yelled.
	" Get away from me," the girl ordered, pushing Monty down and running
towards Fowlmouth.
	Monty looked up and saw her pulling Fowlmouth out of the wall. Her and
Fowlmouth walked out of the room hand in hand.
	" Ha! You ended up with an ugly one!" Monty yelled from the floor.
	" At least I got one," Fowlmouth replied. Monty scowled at him. 
	That night, Monty was walking around trying to figure out some type of girl
to try to make interested in him. While walking with his head down, he bumped into
Fowlmouth who was standing with a beautiful short blonde girl.
	" Who's this? I thought you were with that ugly moron from first period!"
Monty said.
	" Guess what? Sarah here went to the doctors and they told her that her
allergy to all hair products, make up and deodourant was gone and so is all her
clothing allergies, so she can wear anything she wants again," Fowlmouth said,
sounding very pleased.
	" Holy *****!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Hey, that's my line. And, could ya get out our way? We're in a hurry,"
Fowlmouth said. Before Monty answered Fowlmouth threw him into a bush beside
the sidewalk and kept walking. Monty darted up seconds later with sharp thorns
now spread throughout his body and an obvious look of pain on his face.
	Monty began walking home while he pulled the long  thorns out of his
bruised body. 
	The facial twitch and angry stare was even more obvious the next day at
school. Fowlmouth walked up beside him and inquired," hey, haven't ya gotten over
the fact that chicks think you're the scum of the Earth yet?" 
	" I'd go out with ANY chick who liked me!" Monty yelled. Babs heard that
and rushed over immediately.
	" So you finally realized you're desperate?" Babs asked.
	" You're the last person I want to hear about it from!" Monty bellowed in her
face.
	" Step one: get a breath mint," Babs told him.
	" I don't want advice from you! You couldn't find a boyfriend if you wanted
one. The writers just gave you one!" Monty yelled at her.
	" Fine, I won't help you. Actually, I wasn't going to anyway. Guides to doing
stuff is more Buster's department. I should warn you you've probably alienated every
girl in the school. Except of course, for her," Babs said pointing to a girl down the
hall from them.
	The girl Babs pointed out had deep black hair, was wearing all tight black
leather, pitch white face makeup with black face paint around her eyes making a
multi sided design around her left eye that a thin part of extended across her
forehead. She had dark purple lipstick on, red eye contacts and six inch black painted
fingernails. She also had several facial piercings. She was the weirdest looking girl at
the school and Monty had never seen her around before. He didn't like what he was
seeing right now.
	" No! Not that!" Monty yelled.
	" Why? It's not like you're going to do any better," Fowlmouth declared.
	" She looks like a reject from Kiss!" Monty yelled.
	" Well, Mary Melody isn't involved with anybody, but I doubt she'd even give
you a second look," Fowlmouth pointed out. Deep down Monty really liked Mary
but he kept that to himself. After all, to him this wasn't about liking people, this was
about showing off to people without girlfriends to make himself feel important. If he
was rejected by her ( which he probably would be considering she has standards ),
he'd look bad.
	" So are you going to go for it... er, I mean her, or not?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" I don't know. How do you get somebody like that attracted to you?"
Monty asked.
	" A lot of freaky makeup?" Fowlmouth suggested.	
	" I don't even know how to make myself look like that!" Monty said.
	" Maybe looking like that isn't what you've gotta do. Look at the guy she's
with right now," Fowlmouth said.
	They both looked over and saw this girl with a normal looking guy. At first
they were holding hands. Then, she opened a locker, picked him up, threw him in,
locked it, and pulled out a hammer and began hitting the locker with it. 
	" Have fun with that *****," Fowlmouth laughed.
	" There is no way I'm going near that!" Monty declared.
	Fowlmouth began pushing Monty despite his protest. He began kicking and
screaming, but he was brought over to her anyway. Her back was turned to the two
and she hadn't even noticed them yet before Monty was pushed into her.
	" What do you think you're doing you little midget?" she asked. Monty stared
up in awe at the  girl who was five inches taller than Monty. 
	" Can you talk or are you mute or something?" she asked. Her tone wasn't
angry, it was more non-descript. 
	Buster and Babs walked by and saw Monty pulling himself up from the
ground by the tall, incredibly thin gothic girl.
	" What are you looking at?!?" Monty screamed at them.
	" We didn't say anything," Buster said.
	" I know what you were thinking you jerk!" Monty screamed at Buster.
	" I don't think you know what you're thinking," Buster replied.
	Monty growled and pulled out a mallet. He then began chasing Buster down
the hall. A few minutes later, Monty returned and saw the girl standing there staring
at a blank wall. 
	" That should shut him up," Monty thought to himself.
	" Does you're sick aggressive and cruel nature always bleed through like
that?" the goth girl asked.
	" Uh... no," Monty replied.
	" Too bad, it's beautiful," she whispered. Monty's eyes grew wide as he
replied with," did I say no? I meant yes. I'm always like that."
	" Really. Well, that display could be one of two things. Either real cruelty or
just brattiness," she said.
	" It was..." Monty began before she put her finger in front of his mouth. 
	" Don't answer the question. I'm sure I'll be able to tell by what you do," she
said," what's your name?"
	" Montana Max," Monty replied.
	" Not the best name in the world. It makes you sound like one of those
spoiled little rich kids I want to beat up," she said agressively, her eyes growing
wide. Monty was about to tell her off for that comment about the rich and spoiled,
but he figured she was his best shot. " I can't help it if my name sucks," Monty told
her.
	" My name's Eve," she said.
	" What's your last name?" 
	" Ill," she declared in a monotone.
	" So your name is Eve Ill?" he asked. She smiled and nodded yes. Monty
swallowed and began sweating like a pig. Eve place her hand under his chin, lifted
his head up, and declared," you're going to go out with me."
	" I am?" Monty asked in a nervous tone as her long nails dug into his chin a
little. 
She smirked and whispered," yes. And we'll see if you're wicked or just irritating
tonight at eight. I think you'll like my wicked ways." She then threw him to the floor,
wrote her phone number on his arm in permanent black marker and walked off.
	" Save me," Monty shrieked as Fowlmouth and Sarah walked by. 
	" Sorry, you're on your own," Fowlmouth replied.
	Monty didn't stop shaking from being nervous all day. During lunch, his arm
shook as he tried to take a sip of the champagne the butler delivered to the cafeteria,
and spilled it on himself.
	" Want a bib?" Buster asked, followed by a chuckle as he walked by. As he
walked towards his own table, Eve stood in front of him.
	" Did you just say something to him?" Eve asked. Buster nodded no once he
looked at the tall, angry, strange looking girl.
	" I think you did," Eve growled. Buster began sweating. Eve picked him up
his shirt and dragged Buster across a table, breaking several plates and getting food
all over him. She then tossed him through a wall.
	" Think before you open your mouth next time," Eve yelled at him.
	" Did anybody catch the license number of that Gene Simmons wannabe?"
Buster asked as he limped out of the hole in the wall, dizzy and in pain.
	" Who is that?" Eve asked Monty.
	" Buster Bunny. He's, uh... one of those rich kids you hate," Monty told her.
	" Really? He'd better stay away from me then. And, he'd better stay away
from you or I'll deal with him," Eve said.
	Monty began staring at her when he noticed something on her face.
	" What?" Eve asked.
	" When do you get that nose ring? And where did your eyebrows go?"
Monty asked.
	" I got my nose pierced this morning, and I shaved me eyebrows right after,"
Eve said.
	" Why'd you shave your eyebrows?" Monty asked.
	" So before our date I can get the place where they used to be pierced all the
way along and put rings there," Eve told him," maybe tonight we should get your
nose pierced." She then walked away and left Monty in more fear than he was
before.
	" At least she hates Buster just like you do," Fowlmouth pointed out.
	" I don't want to get my nose pierced!" Monty yelled.
	" I don't think you have a choice," Fowlmouth replied.
	Buster walked back over to his table and sat down, still disoriented from his
trip across the tables. Plucky pointed and laughed at him.
	" What's so funny?" Buster asked, wiping some ketchup from his face.
	" Nothing," Plucky said, continuing to laugh.
	" Tell me what's so funny," Buster demanded.
	" You just beaten up by Monty's girlfriend," Plucky said.
	" She's Monty's girlfriend?" Buster asked.
	" While you were cleaning the mashed potatoes off your face in the wall,
those two were getting close over there," Plucky explained.
	" I think Monty deserves her," Buster said.
	" Yeah, but you're the one she beat up," Plucky laughed.
	" So? Look at the size of her! I think the teachers are afraid of her," Buster
explained.
	" They are not," Babs replied.
	" Oh yeah? Look over there," Buster ordered, pointing to the line for food.
Bugs was right in front of her in line. Eve shoved him out of the way and stepping in
front of him.
	" What's up doc?" Bugs asked, sounding very irritated.
	" Nothing!" She yelled at him. When Bugs saw what Eve Looked like, he
laughed nervously and ran out of line as fast as he could.
	" I stand corrected," Babs said.
	" Like, how come we never noticed somebody that totally freaky around
school before?" Shirley asked.
	" She's the kind of characters the writer's will have conveniently show up
when needed," Babs replied.
	" We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel this time," Plucky
commented.
	" I heard that dimwit!" Eve yelled from across the room.
	" I'll go deal with her," Plucky said confidently.
	" I wouldn't do that if I were," Buster said as he pulled some of the mash
potatoes out of his ear.
	" Ha! She wouldn't dare mess with me," Plucky declared.
	" Yeah Plucky, you're very intimidating," Babs replied sarcastically.
	" I'll be right back," Plucky told everybody, getting up to confront Eve.
	" We know you'll be back, but will it be under your own power?" Buster
asked.
	" How amusing," Plucky muttered back sarcastically as he walked away.	
	" Babe, Plucky Duck here," Plucky said when he walked up next to Eve. She
stared angrily down at Plucky with her black and white face. 
	" Why are you talking to me duck?" Eve asked.
	" Aren't we pleasant today?" Plucky asked. She continued her disgruntled
stare. " Look, now as much fun as... throwing my friends across tables must be, what
if I could offer you the ultimate bribe not to anymore?"
	" And that would be?" Eve asked.
	" A date with yours truly," Plucky offered.
	Buster, Babs, and everybody else at that table saw Plucky go through the
roof on a diagonal angle and Eve walked methodically away after tossing him.
	" This isn't a good day for anything cement," Buster commented, referring to
the walls and roof that has been smashed. Plucky landed in Shirley's soup, splashing
hot soup in her face.	
	" Like, get out of my food," Shirley ordered, picking up Plucky and throwing
him back into his seat.
	" That was... fun..." Plucky said, his head spinning from the launch and then
the rough landing which knocked   his teeth to the floor. Plucky then passed out.
	" Nice girl," Babs said sarcastically.
	" She and Max definitely deserve each other," Buster replied.
	" Like totally," Shirley said.
	Monty was practically salivating over what he saw out of Eve. Not how she
looked ( obviously )  but at the way she treated those who Monty hated. As Monty
sat and formed a puddle of drool under the cafeteria table, Eve stared at him  in
disgust.
	" What are you drooling over?" she asked sounding mildly revolted.
	" Uh... uh... admiring your feminine beauty?" Monty stuttered.
	" What feminine beauty?" Eve asked. " Look, I don't like guys who give me a
buncha B.S. so don't. I trust you don't want me to dislike you." Monty nodded his
head no with a petrified look of fear on his face.
	" It was that girl with the skull in the bow on her heard you were staring at,
wasn't it?" Eve asked.
	" No," Monty replied.
	" I think it was," Eve said.
	" No, she's the last girl I would ever look at," Monty pleaded.
	" I can understand why. Look at her," Eve said, peering over at Elmyra,"
she's choking that cat to death and feeding it with a bottle, making shapes out of her
food, and she has other animals tied to the cafeteria tables. What a freak."
	Monty could have made a comment about Eve being the last person who
should call anybody a freak, but he thought better of it. Even he wasn't that stupid. 
	The bell rang for lunch to end and Eve stared at Monty from about half an
inch away and said," I'll see you tonight." 
	" That's what I was afraid of," Monty sighed to himself.
	" Ah relax. She doesn't have your address or phone number," Fowlmouth
told Monty at Weenie Burger that afternoon.
	" Yeah. She doesn't know how to find me," Monty replied," she'll never find
me."
	Five minutes later, Eve walked into Weenie Burger.
	" Monty," she called from the door. Monty cringed and answered," over
here."
	" Isn't this a little early for our date?" Monty asked her.
	" No. I couldn't wait until seven," Eve said. She now had several small
earrings where her eyebrows used to be.
	" How did you find me? I never told you where I was going to be," Monty
said.

	" Once you learn the fine art of stalking, you always know where somebody's
going to be. I just followed you here. If I ever need you at home I'll just follow you
there," Eve explained.
	" I think I'll be going now," Fowlmouth said, getting up from the table.
	" Wait! You can't just leave!" Monty yelled at him. Fowlmouth ran as fast as
he could out of Weenie Burger.
	" Looks like its just us," Eve said.
	" Great," Monty replied in a nervous tone. 
	" You seem a little tense," Eve commented.
	" No, I'm not," Monty argued. 
	" Yes you are, and I know how to fix that," Eve said. Monty suddenly got
excited, thinking she was going to massage him. He was wrong.
	Eve walked outside and came back with a whip. Monty began shaking and
chattering his teeth. After ten minutes, she put it down.
	" Isn't that better?" she asked without even doing anything.
	" What are you talking about? You scare me half to death and this is
supposed to relieve my tension?" Monty asked.
	" Sure. All that shaking from fear loosens up your muscles," Eve explained to
Monty.
	" You're insane!" Monty screamed, still shaking. Eve began looking at him
with a great deal of anger in her eyes. "... and that's why I like you so much..."
Monty recovered, trying to avoid being sent across tables like Buster or Plucky
were.
	" Don't ever call me that," Eve ordered.
	" You don't want to be called insane because it isn't true, right?" Monty
asked.
	" No, it is true. I just don't like people saying it," Eve told him.
	" What?" Monty asked, sounding surprised that anybody would admit that.
	" So, where do you want to go?" Eve asked, changing the subject.	
	" I don't know. Why can't we eat here?" Monty asked.
	" In this dump? I wasted three months trying to find the meat in their lousy
food. And let me tell you, dispite those dippy commercials, not matter how hard you
look, there isn't any meat in there to be found," Eve told him.
	" You looked for it?" Monty asked.
	" Yeah. The lawsuit against Weenie Burger is still pending," Eve told him.
Monty nodded, frightened and confused with a grimace on his face.
	" So where do you want to go?" Eve asked him.
	" How about the movies?" Monty asked.
	" Ah, two hours of half computer generated drivel with terrible actors and
fake women," Eve said.
	" Do you want to go or not?" Monty asked.
	" Sure," Eve replied.
	The two walked into the huge Acme theater together with the bright lights
from the signs outside shimmering on their hostile faces as they walked in. Eve was
forcing his hand into hers and squeezing it so hard it felt like she was breaking it. 
	" Two for Detroit Rock City," Eve said.
	" Why? You want to see a movie with people who look like you?" the person
in like behind her said.
	" Hey! You can't talk about her like that!" Monty yelled.
	" Why? Are you going to do something about it?" the person in line asked.
Monty noticed this guy was much bigger than him.
	" Uh... I guess," Monty said quietly with fear present in his voice.
	" Ha! This should be funny," the person chuckled. He pulled his fist back,
and Monty shielded his face, but before the punch landed, Eve punched the guy in
the face.
	" Don't mess with my boyfriend," Eve ordered. The ticket vendor was so
stunned at what he saw he didn't stop Eve and Monty from just walking right into
the movie. Monty was definitely liking this side of Eve. 
	" So what's the movie about?" Monty asked.
	" Kiss," Eve replied. Monty puckered his lips and Eve slapped them.
	" I meant the band Kiss," Eve explained.
	" Oh. Do you like them?" Monty asked.
	" No. I just think one of the guys is cute," Eve replied.
	" Oh," Monty said," well, I think one of the girls in this movie is cute."
	" If you are staring at any of the girls in this, you're sitting on the floor and
staring at the seat in front of you for two hours!" Eve told him. 
	" No!" Monty replied.
	" Monty, I like a guy with guts, but I really like a guy who does what I say
and has guts at other times," Eve said. She then grabbed him by his shirt, pulled him
close and said," understand?" Monty nodded yes and Eve kissed him for a few
seconds. Monty's eyes turned to hearts and he then howled like a dog. Eve slapped
him and he returned to normal.
	" Get a hold of yourself. It's one kiss," Eve said.
	" Sorry," Monty said.
	" Only whiners say sorry Monty. An apology is a sign of weakness. Don't
ever apologize," Eve commanded.
	" Sorry," Monty said. He then got wide eyed and covered his mouth, trying
to make it seem like he didn't say what she just told him not to.
	" Don't let it happen again!" Eve yelled at him.
	" Can you quiet down! I'm trying to watch the movie!" A cat in the seat in
front of them said.
	" I'll be right back," Eve said. She walked out of the dark theater and came
back five minutes later with an arm full of food.
	" All right! Food!" Monty commented.
	" This isn't for eating," Eve said.
	" What?" Monty asked.
	" No," Eve whispered to Monty," this is for our friend sitting in front of us.
Make yourself useful and chew this gum." 
	While the brown cat watching the movie from in front of them wasn't paying
attention to Eve and Monty, she took a wad of gum and stuck it on the back of his
head. The then licked some gummy bears and threw them at his back. Without him
even noticing, the cat in front of them now had chewed and licked food stuck along
a large portion of his back. Eve then began tossing popcorn at his head.
	" I thought I told you to stop this!" the cat yelled. He tried to turn his whole
body and realized he was stuck to the chair now. Eve then dumped a coke on him,
and then she grabbed Monty by the arm and walked out.
	" That was fun. How come you didn't dump anything on him?" Eve asked.
	" Because you had all the food," Monty replied.
	" Well, I know another way we can have fun," Eve whispered.
	" Ooh," Monty replied, his eyes lighting up with excitement.
	" Not like that you pervert. Come on," Eve ordered as the two ran out of the
theater. 
	The two arrived outside a dark, two story house a few miles in the opposite
direction from their houses.
	" What are we doing here?" Monty asked.
	" This is where my friend Eddie the Skunk lives," Eve explained.
	" So? What are we here for?" Monty asked.
	" You'll find out soon enough," Eve told him. 
	Eve walked up, punched the door a few times and yelled," hey Eddie! Hurry
it up!!!" 
	" What?" a blue skunk with black jeans and a white shirt asked when he
opened the door.
	" I need you for something," Eve told him.
	" Fine, but we better not end up in jail again," Eddie replied.
	" Yeah, don't worry, this time its legal," Eve assured Eddie.
	" Good 'cuz I don't think my parents will bail us out again," Eddie said,
sounding relieved.
	" Fine, can we go?" Eddie asked.
	" Yeah," Eve said.
	Eddie peered his head next to her, saw Monty and asked," who's the
shrimp?" Eddie was the same height as Eve, several inches taller than Monty.
	" That's my boyfriend Monty. He's part of what we're doing," Eve said.
	" Yeah, speaking of which, what are we doing?" Eddie asked.
	" Monty, do you know where that Buster guy lives?" Eve asked.
	" Of course," Monty replied.
	" Good. You'll have to lead us to him," Eve explained.
	" You're not going to kill him are you?" Monty asked. Eve gave him a weird
look.
	" Not that I would be entirely opposed..." Monty stuttered.
	" I said it was legal, you idiot. Don't worry, this'll be fun," Eve told Monty.
	" Okay, but isn't it kind of hard to do something to him when he's in his
burrow?" Monty asked.
	" He lives in a burrow? Now this will really work," Eve laughed, grinning
sinisterly.
	The three arrived in the dark forest outside Buster's burrow.
	" So what are we doing?" Eddie asked.
	" Eddie, just stick your tail in the opening to his burrow and scent," Eve told
him. 
	" Okay," Eddie replied. He walked right up and stuck his large blue tail,
which stuck out of the back of his jeans, into the opening. His tail fit perfectly.
	Buster was asleep down inside until he started to smell something funny.
	" Is Fifi here or something?" Buster asked himself. He walked out and saw a
translucent green gas filling his burrow. The smell was overwhelming and he passed
out with the smell all around him. After a couple of more minutes, Eddie stopped
and the three walked off.
	" That was great! That stupid rabbit will smell like skunk for weeks!" Monty
yelled.
	" What'll be better is when he comes to school tomorrow with that smell
surrounding him," Eve said. Monty laughed even more. As the three walked away,
they could see the gas rise out of the burrow in the dimly lit night. 
	" What do you want to do now?" Monty asked, sounding very eager.
	" Nothing. I'm going home. Eddie, get me a cab," Eve commanded.
	" Sure thing," Eddie said. Eddie walked up by the road waiting for a cab
while Eve and Monty talked.
	" Why do you want to go home in a cab. Can't... can't I walk you home?"
Monty asked.
	" Let's see. I could take a cab and let you walk home, or I could walk home
with you and then you'd have to walk another forty five minutes," Eve complained.
	" Is this because you want to spend time alone on a long car trip with
Eddie?" Monty asked.
	" No. Eddie's a loser, aren't you Eddie?" Eve yelled.
	" What?" Eddie yelled from the roadside.
	" You're a loser, right?" Eve asked.
	" Of course," Eddie replied.
	" See?" Eve asked.
	" You've trained him pretty good," Monty commented.
	" Look, my cab's here. See ya Monty," Eve said. She then picked him up by
his shirt collar, kissed him long and passionately, threw him to the cold, hard ground,
and then she left. Monty walked home with a mile wide smile on his face over the
kiss and the humiliation he was going to cause Buster. He also held the small of his
back that landed on a rock after the toss to the ground. 
	Buster woke up the next morning and could still see the haze of skunk scent
in his burrow. He sniffed around and was floored by the pungent odor. When he
walked into Acme Looniversity the next morning, the smell was still strong and it
knocked out everybody outside. Waiting by their lockers were his friends with gas
masks or rags covering their mouths and clothespins on their nose.
	" Buster, did you forget to shower all this year?" Plucky asked.
	" I couldn't help it. Last night the top of my burrow got covered and then
that skunk smell filled it," Buster replied.
	" Oh! Zat terrible smell!" Fifi exclaimed as she walked up to the lockers.
	" Fifi, I don't know how to brake this to you, but you smell like that some of
the time," Plucky said.
	" Sacre bleu! Why did vous not tell me it was zat bad?" Fifi asked as she ran
off down the hall.
	" Fifi come back! You couldn't smell half as bad as Buster if you tried!" Babs
yelled to Fifi as she ran after her.
	" Like Buster, go get some tomato juice from the cafeteria or some junk,"
Shirley suggested. She couldn't bare the smell anymore so she walked off. Hamton
and Plucky remained with gas masks.
	" What do you think happened? Did that bad smelling vegetable processing
plant explode again?" Hamton asked.
	" No, I just got what I think was skunk spray filling up my burrow. I passed
out from the smell, woke up and I smelled like cafeteria food after a day in the sun,"
Buster said.
	Just then, a cackling Monty and Eve walked by their section of the hall. The
three of them looked at her suspiciously.
	" Do you think those two had anything to do with it?" Hamton asked.
	" Hamton, when anybody looks like she does, it's hard not to suspect her,"
Plucky replied.
	" I would bet she did have something to do with it. Judging by that display at
lunch yesterday I don't think she likes us," Buster said.
	" That could mean you're next Plucky. She threw you across a table, too,"
Hamton pointed out. Plucky's eyes grew wide through the gas mask.
	" Oh no! You could be right!" Plucky exclaimed. Plucky then ran off
screaming.
	" Buster, I would stand here and continue talking to you, but your smell just
reminds me too much of dirt and gives me an urge to go clean everything in sight to
get rid of it," Hamton explained.
	" Hamton, you have the urge to clean everything in sight anyway," Buster
pointed out.
	" Yeah, but this makes it worse. Goodbye Buster," Hamton said, walking
down the hall. 
	" It has to have been Monty and his new goth friend," Buster thought to
himself.
	Throughout the morning, people avoided Buster because of the smell, but the
classrooms were too small to get away from the smell so every student was stuck
with it. In second period, Bugs passed out clothespins to block of everybody's sense
of smell. Needless to say it was a very awkward morning. Eve had no classes with
Buster, but she was laughing about it all morning to herself. Finally, at lunch, Buster
brought Buster into his office to discuss the scent.
	" Uh, Buster. I think we need to talk about your, how can I put this
delicately... odor problem," Bugs said.
	" It isn't my fault. I think a skunk sprayed my whole burrow last night,"
Buster said.
	" Did ya tick off Fifi?" Bugs asked.
	" No. In fact, even she was revolted by the smell," Buster replied.
	" How 'bout you go home and take this with you," Bugs suggested, handing
Buster a case full of tomato juice. 
	" Thanks," Buster said, walking out of the school with the crate.
	The lunch room was full of talk about the unpleasant smells of the morning.
Monty was practically falling off his chair when he heard the people talking.
	" This is great! That plan of yours embarrassed that brainless bunny so badly
he'll never show his lousy face here again!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Calm down Monty," Eve replied.
	" Why? It was great! All those kids laughing at " Mr. Popular." Ha!" Monty
mocked.
	" I've done stuff like that hundreds of times before. It's not a big deal," Eve
mocked. " I used to at the my old school all the time."
	" What school was that?" Monty asked.
	" Never mind that," Eve said.
	" I want to know," Monty demanded. Eve grabbed him by the throat and
said," if I ever want to discuss that, than I'll have a good reason. Right now, I don't
have a reason and there's now way in hell I'm telling you now. Got that?!?" Monty
nodded yes, his heart pounding and palms sweating.. 
	" Good," Eve said pleasantly, releasing her grip. Monty gasped for air for a
second before asking," where's that Eddie guy we were with last night? Does he
even go here?"
	" He goes here, but he never shows up. He'll come once or twice a year but
that's it. The teacher's stopped caring about him years ago, figuring he was a failure.
That didn't change when he transferred here," Eve said. 
	" Transferred? Where'd he used to go?" Monty asked.
	" You already asked that dimwit. Let's try this again: it's none of your
business! When it comes to our old school I'll tell you all you need to know. Don't
ask about stuff like that," Eve requested calmly.
	" OK, I won't ask. How did he get this far in school if he never shows up?"
Monty asked.
	" 'Cause teachers don't want him back," Eve said. " On the days he does
come, he's strange. He dresses normally and stuff, but he'll laugh during dead silence,
he'll get angry easily and he gets into a lot of fights. He hates school anyway, so he
has no reason to come. "
	" Why do you come?" 
	" I can do the work when I want to. I'm not dumb, unlike Eddie. My teachers
are also afraid of me, so I end up passing," Eve explained.
	" I can understand that."
	" Monty, you look too plain," Eve commented.
	" Hey!"
	" You look too boring. That brown suit doesn't do much for you, that ugly
haircut is boring and your face isn't distinct. You need a look to match your
personality."
	" You barely know me. How do you know this look doesn't go with my
personality?" Monty asked.
	" Because if that look reflects what you're like, I wouldn't waste my time
with you," Eve said.
	" But this suit is Armani!" Monty protested.
	" Armani? Like what rich, stuck up punks wear? "
	" Uh... uh... I stole it," Monty stuttered out. Eve's face lit up.
	" That's great. I hate those rich snobs, and I like anybody who steals from
them," Eve said. She then grabbed Monty, pulled him across the table and kissed
him. Monty was left with his jaw reaching down to the floor and his eyes incredibly
wide and dark purple lip marks decorating his wide face. Eve then walked out of the
cafeteria. Monty stood frozen for the rest of the day in that spot, not moving,
blinking, and barely breathing. Finally the janitor threw him on the lawn at the end of
the school day. After being tossed to the lawn, Monty looked up and saw Eve's
pasty white face hanging over him.
	" Get up," Eve ordered him. Monty sprung to his feet. Eve grabbed his hand
and began pulling him with her.
	" Where are we going?" Monty asked.
	" To make you more interesting."
	Eve brought him into the front seat of a car and she sat in the driver's seat.
	" Do you know how to drive?" Monty asked.
	" I have no clue."
	" Where'd you get a car?"
	" I borrowed it. My neighbor gave me permission. Well, he would've given
me permission had I asked him to use it," Eve said.
	Monty began screaming as the speeding car took off. He wasn't wearing a
seat belt and neither was Eve.
	" This is great, isn't it?" Eve asked.
	" We're gonna die!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Don't be a wuss. This is fun!" Eve told him.
	" We're doing 100 in a 45 zone in a stolen car!" Monty yelled.
	" I know. Fun, isn't it?" Eve asked. Monty has a frightened look on her face
until the car finally stopped outside the barber shop.
	" What do you want me to do today?" The barber asked.
	" Step aside," Eve ordered. She grabbed Monty, threw him in the chair, and
tied him down with heavy metal chains. She then grabbed the electric shaver and
shaved Monty's head,
	" AHHH!" Monty yelled when he saw his new hair cut.
	" Oh relax. It looks better than that nasty comb over thing you had before,"
Eve said.
	" It'll grow back right?" Monty asked.
	" Yeah, but don't worry. I'll be waiting right here with the shaver when it
does," Eve replied.
	Eve then untied him and threw him back in the car.
	" Where are we going now?" Monty asked, getting the scared stiff look on
his face.
	" You'll see," Eve replied. She then saw the look on his face.
	" You're not scared because the car is stolen and I'm driving without a
license? C'mon, I thought you were rotten. After all, that suit you swiped probably
costs more than this car, and I'll bring this back," Eve said.
	" It's not that. You're driving's going to get us killed! You're a maniac!"
Monty yelled.
	" It's fun, though," Eve replied.
	" It's not fun! It's stupid! I'm not going to let you just force me to do
whatever you want! You are NOT going to drive this car anymore!" Monty ordered.
	" Excuse me, hon, but the next time you try and get assertive your head is
going through the windshield," Eve replied.
	" Yes ma'am," Monty whimpered, cowering in fear in the front seat.
	" Stop that cowering stuff, it makes you look weak," Eve told him. He sat up
and tried to act like he was relaxing when he really feared for his life. If the reckless
driving wasn't going to kill him, Eve would when he tried to stand up for himself.
	They drove half the time over curbs and sidewalks, and ended up flipping
over the car right outside a store.
	" What made you crash?" Monty asked as the two sat upside down.
	" Crash? I did that on purpose! And we ended up in front of the right store
without hitting a telephone pole," Eve said.
	Monty looked up and saw the words " Paul's palace of piercing " writing in
large, bold letters on the building.
	Eve pulled Monty out of the flipped car.
	" What about the car?" Monty asked.
	" Go flip it over," Eve ordered him. Monty walked over and tried to slip it
back right side up, but couldn't.
	" Do I have to do everything myself?" Eve groaned. She then walked over
and turned the car back right side up herself. 
	" C'mon," Eve urged as she grabbed Monty by the arm and pulled him into
the piercing palace.
	" What are we doing here?" Monty asked.
	" Just sit in this chair," Eve commanded.
	" Why should I? I don't want to get anything pierced!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Did I say you have a choice?" Eve asked.
	Monty stood up and tried to walk out, but Eve grabbed him by the back of
his shirt and threw him back in the chair. She then pulled out the rope and tied him
down.
	" Murray, come here," Eve said.
	" Eve, I don't think you have anything I haven't pierced yet," a gruff voice
from the back room replied.
	" It's not for me," Eve explained," it's for my boyfriend."
	" You mean De..." he began, but before he could finish the name Eve yelled,"
how about you shut up before I give you a piercing you don't want?"
	" Sorry Eve, I was just used to talking about him," Murray, a very tall dog
said as he walked into the main room.
	" This is my boyfriend Monty. Pierce his nose, lip, tongue, and ears," Eve
requested.
	" Uh... does he want to have all that pierced?" Murray asked.
	" Yes, don't you Monty?" Eve asked. She then put her hand on the top of his
head and under his chin and made him nod yes.
	From outside, people could hear Monty yelling in pain from getting pierced.
It was loud enough to shatter glass. In fact, NASA reported hearing a scream in
space ( and people say in space no one can hear you scream!)
	Monty walked out with several rings now hanging from his nose, ears, lip
and his now numb tongue, which was hanging out of his mouth, causing Monty's
speech to be muffled.
	" That wasn't so bad, was it?" Eve asked as the two got back in the car.
	" Ah can tawk," Monty said in a muffled voice with his numb tongue.
	" Did that mess up the way you talk or something? Don't worry, that
happened to me too. It goes away in a little while. Except for this guy I knew once,
he ended up talking like that forever," Eve recalled. Monty's eyes got wide. 
	" Yeah, that was until it went gangrene and had to be cut out," Eve
remembered," I haven't talked to him much since them." Monty's eyes got really
wide with fear.
	The two climbed back in the car. When they sped off, Monty bit down hard
on his tongue ring. Suddenly, the feeling in his tongue came back with a sharp pain
from biting down on the ring.
	" Do you have any tattoos?" Eve asked. Monty nodded no.
	" We'll have to fix that," Eve said. Just then, her watch alarm went off.
	" Oh, that means I have a date with my other boyfriend," Eve said. 
	" Huh?" Monty asked.
	" I'm kidding. It means I only have an hour to get this car back before my
neighbor gets home. Let's go," Eve said. She then slammed her foot down on the
gas. Monty bit his tongue again and yelled in pain.
	" Hey, since I've gotta bring this thing back anyway, I'll drive ya home.
Where do you live?" Eve asked.
	Before Monty blurted out his address, he remembered how Eve hated rich
people and how he lied and claimed he wasn't rich.
	" Uh... you can't drive me home," Monty said.
	" Why not?" 
	" Because... uh... I don't have a driveway," Monty claimed. Eve gave him a
really peculiar look. 
	" Well, I can drop you off in front of your house," Eve offered.
	" But my parents might see you and notice you're not old enough to even be
driving," Monty said.
	" Now that's a better excuse. Fine, I'll drop you off at the end of your street.
Where is that?" Eve asked.
	" Uh... uh... Crackville road," Monty blurted out without thinking.
	" Really? I heard that's a really tough place to live," Eve commented.
	" Yeah, it is, but I can handle it," Monty replied.
	" Good," Eve replied. 
	They drove for a few more minutes and saw several burned out buildings and
gangs on a nearby street.
	" Well, here's you street," Eve said," tomorrow, we'll get you a tattoo."
	" Okay. Bye," Monty said. Eve grabbed him by the neck, kissed him and then
tossed him out of the car. Monty looked down the street and saw a group of people
start to approach him.
	" Uh oh," Monty shrieked, realizing a lot of these people would recognize
him as the boy who bought out the company everybody in this neighborhood worked
at. He began running in the direction of his house, screaming while about twenty
angry people chasing him with baseball bats, guns, and a lot of anger. 
	After two hours of running, Monty rushed in the door of his mansion,
locking it behind him. His face was red and full of sweat, and his pulse was racing.
	" Where have you been son?" his father asked from the next room. Monty
realized they wouldn'' be too pleased with his new look ( he wasn't pleased with his
new look ) so Monty ran into the kitchen, grabbed a paper bag and threw it over his
head.
	" I've been out with a friend," Monty said after donning the bag.
	" Why is your voice so muffled?" he asked.
	" Uh... I accidentally swallowed a sock," Monty said. He then smacked
himself in the head realizing he couldn't have come up with a more pathetic excuse.
	His father walked in, thinking that sounded odd and saw him with a bad on
his head.
	" Why do you have a bag on your head?" his father asked.
	" Uh... uh... I discovered I'm allergic to sunlight. If I take it off, then the light
coming in through the window will kill me," Monty said. His father got an odd look
on his face and walked back into another room.
	Monty breathed a sigh of relief and opened up the phone book to find a
plastic surgeon to repair all the damage a few days of Eve had done to his face.
	" Dr. Miller? How much would removing seven face rings and giving me my
hair back cost?" Monty asked with the phone pulled under the bag. The doctor
named a price, and Monty yelled," What!?! Are you crazy!?!" loud enough to spring
the bag off his head for a second before it fell back on. He then slammed the phone
down.
	Just then, the doorbell rang.
	"  Monty, sir, a Fowlmouth is at the door," Grovelley said.
	" Tell him to go away!" Monty ordered.
	" Yes sir," Grovelley replied.
	Grovelley returned after a few minutes and said," sir, I gave him your
message."
	" And?" Monty asked.
	" If I repeated what he said, I believe your father would fire me," Grovelley
explained.
	" Fine, I'll go deal with him," Monty said.
	" Very good sit. And, if I may ask..." Grovelley began.
	" If it's about the bag, no, you can't ask!" Monty yelled.
	" Yes sir," Grovelley said.
	Standing at the door was Fowlmouth with his girlfriend.
	" Hey Monty," Fowlmouth called.
	" What do you want?" He asked.
	" What's with the bag?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" None of your business!!!" Monty yelled in reply.
	" Okay. Say, me and my chick are goin' to the movies. You wanna take that
***** of yours and go?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" Get lost!!!" Monty yelled, slamming the door shortly after.
	" What's with him?" Fowlmouth's girlfriend asked.
	" Ah, he's just bitter 'cause his girlfriend's a *****," Fowlmouth explained.
	Monty stormed up into his room, slamming the door which knocked down a
few expensive paintings and shattering a couple of sculptures. He removed the bag
and took a good look at himself in the mirror to discover he looked like what he
considered to be a freak. 
	" How could I let her do this to me? I'll have to dump her tomorrow!" Monty
told himself. 
	He would need some advice on how to dump her without her going nuts, so
he went downstairs with the bag on yet again to ask his father for advice. On his way
down the stairs, he discovered putting eyeholes in the bag might help. This occurred
to him after he kept running into the railing and knocking down more sculptures.
	After putting the eye and mouth holes in, Monty walked down the stairs.
That is until he tripped on one of the sculpture fragments and fell halfway down. He
looked up after the fall and saw his dad sitting in the next room. It was now dark
outside, so he'd need a new excuse if he was going to talk to him in the light. 
	Just then, Monty got a better idea. He picked up one of the sculpture
fragments and tossed it at the lamp in the room where his dad was sitting. He heard
his dad say," Hey! Who did that?" Obviously, Monty missed. Monty decided asking
him was a bad idea anyway and walked back upstairs. 
	The next morning, Monty walked into Acme Looniversity with the bag on his
head. Fowlmouth and Dizzy were waiting right by the door. They both jumped him
and removed the bag. They immediately got stunned looks on their faces after they
saw Monty's new look.
	" What?" Monty asked.
	" Where do I start?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" Oh shut up!" Monty yelled.
	" Wow," Dizzy said.
	Just then, Buster and Babs walked by and also immediately became stunned.
	" What are you stupid rabbits staring at?" Monty asked.
	" Monty, what did you do and why?" Buster asked.
	" This is all your fault!!" Monty yelled in reply. He then stormed off with
Dizzy and Fowlmouth following. 
	" Is it just me, or is he even more nasty than usual?" Buster asked.
	" Just when you thought it couldn't be done," Babs replied. 
	" Monty, why'd you shave your head and put holes all over your ****in'
face?" Fowlmouth asked.
	" It's all because of that gothic moron you made me go out with!" Monty
yelled in reply.
	" You mean the one over at that locker?" Fowlmouth asked, pointing to Eve
opening her locker. Dizzy looked over and he immediately fell in love. He hovered
off the ground with hearts in his eyes and surrounding his body as he looked at Eve. 
	" What's with him?" Monty asked.
	" Maybe he's got a thing for your girlfriend," Fowlmouth replied. They saw
the river of drool that was now flowing from Dizzy's mouth down the hall and knew
he did.
	" How can he be attracted to her?" Monty asked.
	" What do you expect from a guy that eats bricks?" Fowlmouth replied.
	Eve walked away and Dizzy fell to the ground.
	" She's hot!!!" Dizzy shouted.
	" She's taken," Fowlmouth pointed out. " That's Monty's girl." Dizzy growled
at Monty. Monty began to run in the other direction, but Dizzy caught him in a spin
and pummeled him, leaving Monty in the hall with bruises and ripped clothes.
	Monty walked into his cartoon villainy 101 class and to his surprise saw Eve
sitting in the desk next to his.
	" What are you doing here? You don't take this class," Monty said.
	" We didn't have any classes together, so I transferred into this one," Eve
explained. " And, Yosemite Sam has already taken a liking to having me in his class."
Yosemite Sam was standing at the front of the room with a devious smile on his face
as he looked at Eve, thinking how much fun he would have with Eve to mold in his
image.
	" Monty, I think we have to rethink this whole prot‚g‚ thing," Sam said," Eve
is my new prot‚g‚."
	" What can I say? I already taught him a thing or two, and I've only been in
this class five minutes," Eve said. Monty frowned and tried to ignore her.
	" Class, we have a new student who hates varmints just as much as I do. Her
name's Eve," Sam said, introducing her. Eve stood up to the applause of most of the
class. Only Monty didn't seem to be excited about the prospect of her in his class. 
	" So, Eve. Tell the class anything you've done today," Sam instructed.
	" Well, nothing big. I put head lice in Babs Bunny's hair spray," Eve said.
Babs was currently at her locker. She sprayed some immediately began itching all
over. She ran down the hall by Sam's classroom, scratching madly.
	" Like I said, only small stuff today. While Plucky Duck was showering after
gym class I replaced his clothes with a dress," Eve said. Plucky walked by Sam's
class in drags and everybody began to laugh.
	" I am not amused," Plucky stated. Eve smirked at him.
	" That's all for now, but the day isn't over yet," Eve said.
	It turned out Monty wasn't the only one who wasn't exactly amused by Eve's
presence in the classroom. Arnold didn't look too happy either. He felt like her look
and attitude demeaned the entire cartoon villain genre of character. He only spoke
out when Eve sat back down.	
	" Ah, you are a girly little wimp," Arnold commented.
	" Excuse me? I'm probably more man than you are, and if you were just a
little smarter you'd figure out why that shouldn't be," Eve replied. Arnold growled.
	" Tic tac?" Eve asked, holding out the small transparent packet and offering
him a breath mint. 
	" You should quit this class and go home to your mommy," Arnold
suggested. 
	" I would say the same to you, but your mom still hasn't graduated," Eve
replied.
	" Quiet down class," Sam instructed.
	" We're talking. Hold on a minute," Eve replied to Sam.
	" This is my class! I should be able to talk without you varmints interrupting
me!" Sam said.
	" You're the boss," Eve said. She walked to the front of the room, picked up
Sam and tossed him into the hall.
	" There, now nobody will interrupt you," Eve said. She then stuck a few
chairs in front of the door so Sam couldn't get back in.
	" I don't know why, but for some reason I think I'm going to like this girl,"
Sam said to himself. He saw more potential in her than she ever saw in Monty. 
	" I'm in charge for the rest of the class," Eve declared.
	" And why should we listen to a little wimpy wimp like you?" Arnold asked.
	" Did I say you have a choice?" Eve asked.
	" I'm not going to listen to a girly wimp like you," Arnold said.
	" I'm the last person I think you want to be picking a fight with," Eve said.
	" Ooooh, The little girl frightens me," Arnold yelled sarcastically. " What are
you going to do? Beat me up?"
	" Well, I could, but I won't. Don't worry, when I want to get at you, you'll
know," Eve said.
	" Oooh, I'm shaking in my boots," Arnold chuckled. Eve smirked and the bell
went to dismiss the class.
	" Monty, I'll have to cancel our trip to the tattoo parlor. I have some business
to attend to," Eve said.
	" Okay," Monty said, trying to fake disappointment.
	" Oh, and if you're still upset about the hair, I got you something," Eve said.
She pulled an afro wig out of a bag. 
	" If you really can't live without hair, use it," Eve suggested.
	Monty put on the fro and walked away, grumbling to himself. Dizzy was
about to approach her but she walked out of the school before he could catch up.
	Eve saw Arnold and his girlfriend, Arnolda, get into his convertible. 
	" Now I need some sorta sign of where they're going," Eve thought to
herself.
	" Hurry up and get in the ca. We need to get to my gym," Arnold pointed
out. 
	" That'll do nicely," Eve thought to herself.
	An hour later, Arnold and Arnolda were already in the middle of their
workout when Eve walked into the gym.
	" Oh look, the little girl is here," Arnold commented.
	" Ha ha ha," Eve shouted sarcastically . " Say, why can I see my reflection in
your chest?"
	" That is from my body oil," Arnold replied. Eve noticed the bottle on the
floor that read," DANGER: Flammable."
	" That's impressive," Eve said sarcastically. She then pulled out a cigarette, lit
it, but didn't take a puff.
	" You can't smoke in the gym!" Arnold yelled. 
	" Oh I'm not. Here you go," Eve said flipping the cigarette to him. Eve then
ran outside. Arnold bobbled the cigarette back and forth on his hands before it
dropped. The roof was blown on the gym from the explosion. It turned out a lot of
people in there used the same oil. Eve walked in and saw the soot covered Arnold
and Arnolda. Actually, the whole gym was covered in soot.
	" That'll teach you to disrespect me in villainy class," Eve said, taking a
feather duster and dusting off the soot around his eyes. Eve chuckled as she walked
off. Arnold dusted himself off and growled at her as she walked off from the gym
with an overwhelming smell of smoke and burnt and sweaty dog hair. 
	The following day in cartoon villainy 101, Arnold was nowhere to be seen.
Once again, Eve sat down next to an annoyed looking Monty.
	" What's with you?" Eve asked him.
	" Nothing," Monty replied is an angry tone.
	" Tell me the truth," Eve ordered. Monty still didn't reply. He just slip down
his chair and crossed his arms. " Is this because I transferred into this class?" 
	" No, it's because you transferred into every class I'm in!" Monty replied.
	" So? I would think that'd make you happy," Eve said.
	" And this wig you gave me isn't very good," Monty griped, pointing to the
afro on his head.
	" If this was 1974, you'd have the most stylish hair here," Eve pointed out. "
If you want, I'll get you an entire outfit to go with it."
	" No! And, I think it's a little odd that you were fighting with Arnold
yesterday and now he's not here," Monty said.
	" I didn't make him leave this class," Eve replied.
	" You didn't steal his car did you?" Monty asked.
	" No. Arnold had... a bit of a temperature yesterday at the gym," Eve
explained.
	Yosemite Sam began drawing a diagram of how to make your own dynamite
on the board, something Eve knew how to do anyway.
	" Hey Sam!" Eve yelled from the back of the class.
	" What is it?" Sam asked.
	" I already know how to do this. Should I be copying it down anyway?" Eve
asked.
	" I don't think you young `uns could make your own dynamite without these
instructions," Sam said.
	" I'll show you," Eve said.
	" Fine, get up here and show me," Sam demanded. Eve walked to the front
of the classroom, handed Sam a lit stick of dynamite, and walked a few feet back. It
exploded after a few seconds and left Sam singed and covered in soot.
	" I made that one myself," Eve said. Sam coughed out some black smoke.
	" You know how to use an anvil?" Sam asked. Eve snapped her fingers and
an anvil dropped on Sam. " Nice."
	" Anything else you want to ask me if I know how to use?" Eve asked.
	" That'll be... fine," Sam coughed, the pain from being crushed from an anvil
apparent in his voice. The class began to applaud as Eve walked back to her seat.
	" Don't be too impressed. You should all have the talent to crush your
teacher with a heavy metal object by now," Eve said as she sat back down.
	" How can you do that to my mentor?" Monty asked.
	" Well, first of all he asked for it. Second of all, I think he wished he was MY
mentor," Eve said.
	" No! He isn't! He's my mentor! And he was before you even showed up at
this stupid school!!" Monty yelled. He then stormed off out of the classroom.
	Eve walked out as the other class members tried to pull the large anvil off of
Sam.
	" What's with you?" Eve asked, sounding angry.
	" You just wanna steal Sam and make him your mentor," Monty accused.
	" Please. I don't want a mentor, and I could teach ol' Sam a thing or two.
You can have him," Eve said. " Now, don't be so possessive."
	Eve then grabbed Monty's arms, pulled him a few inches from her, and
whispered," besides, I could be your mentor." She then gave him a long kiss and
threw him to the floor. 
	" Every time you kiss me it seems you always throw me to the floor," Monty
complained. " Why?"
	" Force of habit," Eve replied," I used to do that to my old boyfriend. I got
used to doing it."
	" Could you stop?" Monty asked.
	" What, kissing you?" Eve asked.
	" No! You're a great kisser. Throwing me on the floor. I'm ending up with
these huge bruises on my back," Monty whined.
	" I'll try to cut back," Eve promised.
	The two walked back in the classroom, and Sam appeared to be fine again.
	" Did I hurt you too badly, Sammy?" Eve asked. Sam's face turned bright red
and steam began shooting out of his ears. 
	" Get down to the office varmint!" Sam ordered.
	" Fine. This class is too easy anyway," Eve replied. She walked out and
slammed the door, knocking all the books inside off the shelves. Sam was hit in the
head by the falling book " How to blast rabbits in ten easy lessons."
	Eve walked into Bugs' office and the Acme Looniversity principal
immediately got a frightened look on his face at the sight of Eve.
	" Can... can I help you?" Bugs asked, sounding a little nervous.
	" Yeah, I crushed Sam with an anvil and blew him up so he made me come
down here," Eve said.
	" Funny. I've done the same thing to him hundreds of times and he never sent
me to my own office," Bugs said. Eve stood expressionless.
	" Y'know, Buster would have found dat really funny," Bugs pointed out.	
	" Yet when you say it anybody else, it isn't funny," Eve replied. Bugs got 
very annoyed by that comment.
	" You're dat girl dat pushed me out of da lunch line, aren't you?" Bugs asked.
	" Do you know anybody else who looks like me?" Eve asked.
	" Well, Daffy sometimes," Bugs joked.
	" Again, not funny," Eve told him.
	" You can't just push da teachers around at this school," Bugs explained.
	" Really? Can they be bribed?" Eve asked.
	" Well, Daffy... wait, no! You're not allowed to bribe da teachers," Bugs told
her.
	" Well, those are the only options," Eve said.
	" Those, or behaving and doing your work," Bugs suggested.
	" That sounds boring," Eve complained.
	" If you want to go to dis school, you have to follow da rules," Bugs told
her.
	" Believe me, I don't want to go to this school. I'm only her due to lack of
somewhere better," Eve said.
	" What about Perfecto?" Bugs asked. Eve's sarcastic smirk immediately
turned to an angry scowl. 
	" Here, hold this," Eve instructed, flipping Bugs a stick of lit dynamite. She
then walked out of the office and heard the dynamite explode behind her.
	" Don't ever mention THAT school around me!" Eve yelled at Bugs as she
walked away from the scorched office. 
	As she walked from the office, the bell rang to end class. A large group of
students ran out and trampled Eve. As the hundreds of toons stepped unknowingly
on her head, Eve thought," I don't have to take this.
	She found a gap in the mob of students, stood up and began running the
other direction through them, knocking several students down. She ended up
running into Monty, knocking them both to the floor next to each other. The crowd
dissipated. The last student to go by was Sweetie, who commented to the couple of
the floor," why don't you two get a room."
	" Who is that?" Eve asked.
	" Sweetie, this stupid little bird," Monty replied.
	" She doesn't seem like a Sweetie, she seems like a stupid little..." Eve began.
	" Eve," Monty said.
	" Yeah?" Eve asked.
	" The censors only bleep out Fowlmouth. They won't do the same for you,"
Monty told her.
	" Oh, sorry," Eve appologized.
	" Sweetie irritates everybody. Don't worry about her," Monty suggested.
	" I don't let anybody get away with making a comment like that to me," Eve
said.
	" She's just a stupid bird! Couldn't you be using this time on doing something
to those stupid rabbits?" Monty said.
	" If I don't shut that bird up, somebody else will get the satisfaction," Eve
said.
	" What do you plan to do?" Monty asked.
	" Well, I haven't decided yet. I'll need tomorrow to think about it and the day
after to execute the plan, so your tattoo is going to have to wait," Eve said sounding
a little disappointed.
	" Oh, what a shame," Monty replied, faking sincerity.
	" Sorry to have gotten your hopes up, but this is business," Eve explained.
	" Sure, I understand," Monty replied.
	" Great, bye," Eve said.
	Monty breathed a sigh of relief as he avoided the kiss - and - toss he had
gotten used to.
	" Oh, I almost forgot," Eve said. She picked him up, kissed him, and threw
him down.
	" I thought you were going to stop doing that!" Monty reminded her.
	" Sorry, I'm working on it," Eve said in rebuttal as she walked off again.
	Monty got up and bumped right into Marry Melody. Like Monty, Marry
looked different now. Only in Mary's case it was an improvement. She changed her
style, clothes and her make up. Monty saw her and his eyes practically popped out at
the sight of the now beautiful Mary Melody.
	" Watch out Monty," Mary instructed. Monty said nothing.
	" Hello? Are you going to reply or just stand there drooling?" Mary asked.
Monty still said nothing and Mary walked away. 
	A few seconds after Mary's departure, Monty regained his senses. 
	" What's with you?" Fowlmouth asked after he saw Monty drooling.
	" None of your business!" Monty yelled.
	" C'mon. I saw you looking at Mary," Fowlmouth said.
	" I wasn't looking at her!" Monty yelled in nervous reply.
	" Relax, Eve isn't anywhere close to here," Fowlmouth told Monty.
	" Okay, then I was. So what?" Monty asked.
	" Sooo, you have a chick already. One who wouldn't be very happy if she
saw you looking at another girl," Fowlmouth said.
	" But Mary's a knockout and Eve's a sideshow," Monty complained.
	" Well, you're stuck with the freak while Marry will probably get a boyfriend,
if she doesn't have one already," Fowlmouth said.
	" I've gotta dump the president of the Twisted Sister fan club and go for
Mary," Monty said.
	" Good luck. I don't think that ****in' freak would take getting' dumped very
well," Fowlmouth said.
	" I'll think of something. Y'know, you could help me with this," Monty
whined.
	" Sorry," Fowlmouth said as his girlfriend walked up beside him. He put his
arm around her and said," this is your problem." Then he walked away while Monty
growled and shook his fist at him, one of the few parts of his Eve hadn't mutilated
yet.
	" He thinks he's so lucky just because his girlfriend doesn't get daily offers
from the circus!" Monty shouted to himself. 
	Monty walked home and the second he walked in the door the phone rang.
	" Sir," Grovelley said after answering it," a Ms. Ill is on the phone."
	" How did you get my unlisted phone number?" Monty asked when he
answered the phone.
	" Nice to hear from you too," Eve replied.
	"  Tell me how  you got my number! I never gave it to you."
	" Well, that friend of your with the swearing problem. What's his name...
uh... Dirtmouth or something?" 
	" Fowlmouth."
	" Right. Anyway, he mentioned you used Acme Rent - a - friend a lot, so I
just got your number from them."
	" He's lying! I've never used that!"	
	" Monty, when I called, they told me you were in their preferred customer
club. In fact, they  said you're on the verge of becoming president," Eve said.
	" I thought all that information was supposed to be confidential," Monty said.
	" Well, it helps when you can persuade them. I said I would reveal that
company's dirty little secret," Eve said.
	" What is it?" Monty asked.
	" I don't know,  but apparently they have one and they think I know it," Eve
replied. " Now can we get on the topic of why I called? We need to talk."
	" About what?" Monty asked.
	" Well, a lot of things. Meet me in Acme Acres park at eleven thirty tonight,"
Eve said.
	" Okay," Monty said in a slightly nervous tone. Meeting his short tempered
girlfriend who might be mad at him in the pitch black park at night was a good
reason for him to be frightened.
	Monty arrived in the pitch dark park a few minutes before eleven thirty. The
faint images of the trees and park benches could barely be made out without any
working streetlights anywhere nearby. Monty slowly crept in, hoping nobody besides
Eve was in the park at this moment. He was having trouble finding her because of
the cloudy overcast making the light from the moon dim. Monty peered his head
back and fourth calling out her name quietly until he walked by the largest tree in the
park and heard a voice yell," Hey Monty!" 
	Monty was so surprised by the yell from behind him that he went soaring into
air and crashed right next to a pair of black boots.
	" Took ya long enough," Eve said. Monty pulled himself off the cold, dirty
ground and could barely see her in the dark. 
	" What are you talking about? I'm five minutes early," Monty replied.
	" Yeah, but I've been here for twenty minutes. Oh, that reminds me. That
tortoise over there is going to drop an anvil on you," Eve said. A few seconds later,
and anvil fell on Monty's head. Eve bent down and pulled the cold, metal anvil off of
Monty.
	" Why did he do that?" Monty asked.
	" Well, Charles, that tortoise, was comin' onto me and I told him that I was
here to meet my boyfriend, so he said he was going to beat you up and take me
home with him. I managed to talk him down to an anvil," Eve explained.
	" Why didn't you just beat him up like you do to everybody else?" Monty
asked.
	" 'Cause he was cute," Eve said. 
	" So why did you need to talk to me here? I thought you were going to plan
out something to do to Sweetie," Monty said. 
	" That has something to do with why we're here. Monty, when we first
started going out, you told me you were really nasty. You haven't done anything
since we started going out to back that up. Also, the fact that you use Acme rent an
anything makes you look pathetic," Eve said.
	" I just haven't had the chance to do anything. I'm not just going to go out
and find somebody to do something mean to," Monty complained. " And, when we
first started going out, you said you hated rabbits. You haven't done anything to
them."
	" I was planning to save something big for them," Eve stated deviously.
	" Well good. For the longest time all they've had to hate is me and Perfecto
prep and..." Monty said before Eve cut him off.
	" They hate Perfecto?" Eve asked.
	" Yeah, they hate them more than anything," Monty told her.
	" This changes everything. I can't do anything to them now," Eve said.
	" What? Just because they hate Perfecto?" Monty asked.
	" Exactly. The enemy of the enemy is a friend. I'll also leave their friends
alone," Eve said. " The friend of the enemy of the enemy is a friend, making the first
enemy no longer the enemy because they're the enemy of the second enemy, so they
become a friend."
	" This is getting way too complicated," Monty thought to himself, getting a
headache from trying decipher that sentence.
	Monty foolishly thought at that moment Eve would dump him if he claimed
to like Perfecto. 
	" I like Perfecto. That's a great school and I have a lot of friends who go
there," Monty said.  With that statement Eve's eyes filled with anger. Her eyes
flaring was made even more intimidating by her deep red conatcts. Monty cowered
and shut his eyes as Eve picked him up and threw him halfway through a tree. As
Monty sat in the hole his flying body made in the thick, tall tree, Eve walked up to
the dizzy and in pain Monty, who's eyes were Xs and his head was spinning, and
yelled," now, you didn't really mean that did you?" Monty nodded no. " Good. But
that isn't the kind of thing you kid about with me."
	Eve slapped him and pulled on Monty's scrawny legs and removed him from
the three. 
	" Now it's time for you to help me with something," Eve said.
	" What? Getting the rabbits?" Monty asked.
	" I thought I just went over this with you. Apparently, you're a little slow,"
Eve said.
	" But it would be so much fun!" Monty protested.
	" One more word about the rabbits and I'm leaving," Eve threatened. Monty
began smiling before Eve finished that statement with," and I let you go home with
the six foot nine, two hundred and eighty five pound tortoise over there who is a
little mad that somebody got to me before he did." The smile quickly faded from
Monty's face and it quickly became a look of fear.
	" Fine, I won't bring them up again. What do you want me to do?" Monty
asked.
	" Well, Sweetie is living with Mary Melody, some stupid girl at Acme
Looniversity. Maybe you've seen her around. Anyway, I need some way for you to
distract her while I grab the bird and get back at her," Eve said. Monty suddenly saw
his opportunity to get close to Mary right in front of him, and quickly he agreed to
help Eve.
	" Good. Tomorrow night, I'll call you and we'll go. We'll have to walk this
time since the neighbors bought a car alarm," Eve said. " Now, this brings me to the
next thing we need to talk about. Judging by your phone number, you don't live
where you said you did." Monty shook a little as he sensed Eve was about to do
something to him because he was a rich kid.
	" You live in Acme Acres just like me. Why didn't you tell me?" Eve asked.
	" I was... uh... going to surprise you," Monty stuttered.
	" I don't like surprises Monty. Next time don't lie to me," Eve ordered in an
annoyed tone. 
	" That reminds me of something I forgot to ask you. How come I've never
been to your house?" Monty asked.
	" You'll go there. Eventually."
	" Can I go home now?" Monty asked.
	" Yeah sure. Go," Eve told him. Eve then did the customary grabbing of the
neck and kissing, and right after she tossed him to the ground, she remembered out
loud," oh, right. I'm not supposed to do that anymore am I?" Monty nodded no and
Eve walked out of the park in the opposite direction of Monty's house.
	Just as Monty pulled himself off the recently cut green grass of the Acme
Looniversity park and dusted himself off, he now saw the behemoth tortoise
standing right next to him.
	" Now we can talk about your dating situation," the gigantic tortoise said.
	" Uh oh," Monty said.  Monty was thrown a few hundred feet from the dark
park three streets over. Apparently, Charles' aim was very good and Monty landed
right where he wanted him to: in an open manhole. Monty pulled himself out of the
dark hole in the street after a few minutes covered in a bright green thick sludge that
covered his head, clothes and shoes. He pulled it off and walked home with a mile
wide frown on his face. 
	Monty walked in the door of his huge mansion around midnight with a small
trace of green all over and a very pungent odor. 
	" I'll be in the shower. And Grovelley, don't ask!" Monty ordered.
	" Yes sir," Grovelley replied.
	Monty grumbled to himself as he rinsed the potentially toxic chemicals off,
but at least now he had a reason to be optimistic. He was still confused at how and
when he developed a crush on Marry Melody, but he did. He also figured as soon as
he and Eve broke up, whenever that happened, Dizzy would immediately go after
her. 
	As Monty arrived in the long narrow hallways by the locker area of Acme
Looniversity, Eve was already waiting for him. 
	" Eve? You're here already?" Monty asked," normally you just stroll in
during first period."
	" Well, Eddie decided to show up today so I thought I'd come on time," Eve
replied. Monty hadn't noticed until right then the blue skunk, parallel in height to Eve
was right there. Eddie gave Monty and brief wave and then Eve resumed talking to
him.
	" Anyway, you're ready to do what we discussed? All you have to do is go to
the door and talk to Mary for a few minutes," Eve explained," and make sure she's
totally distracted. She can't notice me coming in the fire escaping and getting that
annoying smart mouth bird."
	" Why can't you do whatever you're going to do to Sweetie at school?"
Eddie asked.
	" First of all witnesses. Second of all, I can't afford to get kicked out of this
school. There is only one other school around here, and that obviously isn't an
option," Eve said. 
	" Why'd you show up today anyway Eddie?" Monty asked.
	" Lack of something better to do," Eddie replied.
	" Oh, and Eddie's gonna be in our villainy class today. He enrolled in the
class at the beginning of the year, but he just hasn't shown up ever," Eve explained.
	" What do you do all day anyway?" Monty asked Eddie.
	" Since I hate school I work. My parents say I might as well be doing
something useful if I don't like school," Eddie explained.
	" Are you eve going to pass this year?" Monty asked.
	" Surprisingly yes. My teachers will pass me because they don't like having to
go through all the meetings about my lack of attendance of trying to teach me
everything I missed more than they have to," Eddie said.
	" Dontcha love lazy teachers?" 
	" Yeah. Look, I've gotta go. See ya."
	" See ya Eddie," Eve replied.
	Monty and Eve arrived in their crowded villainy class. This room was smaller
than the other classrooms in the school, an intentional move by Bugs in an attempt
to make the class less popular. It was also the only non-air conditioned or heated
room in the school. The seats were too small for an average student, and, to top it all
off, Yosemite Sam taught the class. A few seconds after the couple arrived. Eddie
walked in and sat between the two.
	" Hey," Eddie called
	" Hey," Eve said in reply. To Monty's surprise, Eve didn't protest to Eddie
jamming himself between the two. 
	" So what have you been doin' in this class?" Eddie asked.
	" Well, Sam's tried to teach us how to make our own dynamite and stuff like
that. In other words, stuff we already know," Eve explained.
	" That seems easy. Have you been kicked out yet?" Eddie asked.
	" Yeah, yesterday. I blew up the teacher," Eve said.
	" Again? You really have to cut back," Eddie said. The two chuckled a little,
but Monty didn't find it amusing. Even though he was getting more and more
desperate to break up with Eve, he was feeling a little jealous that she was paying
more attention to Eddie, someone she supposedly had no romantic interest in. 
	" What's up Sam?" Eve yelled as Yosemite walked in. Sam looked at her and
frowned. 
	" Who's that critter sittin' next to you?" Sam asked.
	" This is my friend, Eddie."
	" Oh great, just what this class needs. One of your friends," Sam said
sarcastically. Eve began laughing. 
	The class passed rather uneventfully. Monty's hair was begging to return to
normal. Eve and Sam got on each other's nerves a a few more times before the end
of class, but nothing involving explosives or anvils again. Finally, class and school let
out, and Monty was at home on his expensive black leather couch, anxiously
anticipating the moment when he would be at Mary Melody's house. Somehow, to
this point, Monty had been able to avoid his parents seeing him  and now they left on
business. Finally, after a while, the phone rang.
	" Sir, a Ms. Ill on the phone for you," Grovelley said.
	Monty got up and stuck his hand out, waiting for Grovelley to hand it to him.
After a few second, Grovelley dropped the phone into the awaiting pale palm on
Monty. 
	" Hey Monty," Eve said when Monty got on the phone.
	" What do you want?" Monty asked in his usual surly tone.
	" I'm coming over to talk about the plan," Eve said," what's your address?"
	" You mean you couldn't have just followed me like you did before?" Monty
asked.
	" No, I was too tired to do any stalking today. So, what's your address?" Eve
asked.
	" Uh... uh... I'll call you back," Monty said, slamming the phone down.
	Monty had to think of a plan to suddenly get a new address for Eve to come
visit him at. Immediately, Monty yelled," Dad, buy me a house!!!"
	" Sir, your parents aren't home, remember?" Grovelley said.
	" Fine, I'll go buy a house myself," Monty said.
	" Sir, your parents bought you your own house last week. You didn't like it 
so you blew it up," Grovelley told him.
	" Oh yeah. Well, that place was a dump!" Monty said.
	" Sir, it was an exact replica of the Taj mahal," Grovelley replied.
	" Well, I  need to go buy another house.".
	" Sir you've already spent your extra house budget for the year," Grovelley
said.
	" Now what am I gonna do?" Monty asked himself. 	 
	Monty's attempt at a brain storm resulted in the light bulb in his head burning
out rather than lighting up. Finally, after a few hours of standing in the hall, staring
blankly and thinking, Monty came up with something. 
	Minutes later, Monty's white stretch limo pulled up in front of Plucky's house
by the tall reeds and the green algae in the water. Monty knocked aggressively on
the door. When Plucky opened the door, Monty continued knocking and ended up
knocking on Plucky's skull until he pushed Monty back.
	" I need your house duck," Monty said.
	" No way," Plucky replied.
	Monty pulled out a large stack of cash and waved it in front of Plucky's face.
Plucky's eyes flashed dollar signs.
	" I need this place for a couple of hours, so you and your family get out!"
Monty ordered.
	" Yes money... er, Monty," Plucky said in complience with Monty's demands.
Plucky dashed inside and dragged his parents outside.
	" Plucky!" His parents said repeatedly as Plucky dragged them out of their
house, staring contently at his dollar bills as he walked.
	Monty walked into the house and was revolted by the house he saw. It was
so messy and middle class as he saw it. 
	" How can anybody live in this dump? This place should be condemned!"
Monty exclaimed as he looked around. He then remembered that Eve would
probably be wondering why he hadn't called her back for nearly four hours, so he
stuck his hand out expecting Grovelley to hand the phone to him before he realized
his butler had driven off with the limo. He grabbed the red phone off the wall and
punched in her number.
	" Hey Eve," Monty said when she answered.
	" It's about time you called me back," Eve complained.
	" Sorry, I was busy. You can come here now and we'll talk."
	" OK, what's your address?" Eve asked. Monty immediately hit the hold
button, ran outside and looked at the white numbers on the outside of the house. He
then ran back in and shouted the digits into the phone.
	" I'll be there in a few minutes," Eve said.
	Fifteen minutes later, Monty heard Eve's voice outside yelling," hey cool. I
dumped this barrel of toxic sludge into this pond like six months ago, and it's still
here!"
	" Eve?" Monty asked. 
	Monty walked around back and saw Eve looking at a black barrel oozing a
thick, green liquid.
	" Why'd you throw that in the water?" Monty asked.
	" Oh, some idiot who lives on the other side of this pond, he doesn't go to
Acme Looniversity, was bothering me so I dumped this by his house. It made him
sick for weeks," Eve explained. They both laughed slightly deviously and then
continued talking.
	" Now, when we get to Mary's apartment you need to say something that will
keep her distracted for at least ten minutes and that will get her undivided attention.
I don't care what you say as long as it accomplishes both those things. If you say
anything really weird I'll lie and say you were drunk that the time," Eve said.
	" Okay. I have an idea of what I can say," Monty contemplating how to ask
Mary out and reacting to either answer. 
	" While you're saying something to distract Mary, I'm going up the fire
escape. that stupid bird is right next to the window, which seems like a really bad
idea if she wants to stop a bunch of alley cats from swiping the bird. Actually, she's
probably hoping one of those cats swipes the bird. Anyway, I'll grab the cage and
then..." Eve said, then she whispered her plan into Monty's ear.
	" That could be fun," Monty said in a sinister tone.
	" It's nothing major, but it could be interesting. At the very least somewhat
ironic," Eve said. Monty grinned deviously and the two began walking towards
Mary's apartment building. 
	The two walked inside the large brick building in downtown Acme Acres.
	" How did you find out where she lives?" Monty asked.
	" Some blue alley cat tipped me off as to where to find the bird," Eve said. 
	" Furrball?" Monty asked.
	" Don't call him that!" Eve said.
	" No, I think that's his name," Monty said.
	" How awful," Eve said.
	" Some people might say your name is worse," Monty said.
	" Yeah, but I chose this name. My real name was nothing like this," Eve said.
	" What's your real name?" Monty asked.
	" It doesn't matter now. My name, as far as you're concerned, is Eve, and
you're not going to ask anymore questions," Eve said.
	" But..." Monty began.
	" Did I say you have a choice?" Eve asked.
	As the two were talking they continued walking inside the dimly light
apartment complex that had dull gray walls and dark brown doors on each
apartment. Eventually, they reached Mary's apartment. 
	" I'm going to go out to the fire escape now. You knock on the door when I
give you the signal from outside," Eve said.
	Mary's apartment was at the end of the hall, so Eve climbed out the window
at the end of the hall and stepped over to the fire escape. Monty, with his little
greedy heart nearly pounding out of his chest, anxiously awaited Eve to notify him it
was time to knock. The beads of sweat quickly grew until Monty was soaked from
head to toe, and that only took fifteen seconds. Eve let Monty know by throwing a
large gray rock that hit him in the side of the head.
	" Hey! Couldn't you have given me a better signal?" Monty asked.
	" Never mind that. Just knock on the door," Eve ordered. As she was
speaking, Eve was looking at Sweetie, who hadn't even noticed her yet. Eve looked
over and saw a cat also staring at Sweetie, only the cat was looking for a meal.
	" Hey, you can have her tomorrow. Right now, she's mine," Eve said, picking
up the alley cat and tossing it from the fire escape. 
	Monty's sweaty knuckles slipped off the door as he knocked. It left a sweaty
trail after the knock, and after a few knocks weren't answered, Monty yelled
nervously to Eve out the open window," oh well, looks like she's not home. Let's
leave." 
	Right after he said that, Mary opened the door and saw the perspiring Monty
standing there.
	" Monty?" Mary said, sounding really confused.
	" Oh... ugh.. hi," Monty said.
	After a few seconds of standing silently, Mary said," can I help you?"
	" Uh... ugh..." Monty stuttered.
	" I'm going to go back inside now. Knock again when you have something to
say," Mary said. 
	" Wait!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Monty, why are you here? No, better question. How did you find out
where I live?" Mary asked.
	As this was going on, Sweetie was wide eyes as two past white hands
grabbed the gray metallic cage and pulled it out onto the windy metal fire escape by
the brick apartment building.
	" Have any more sarcastic comments for me bird?" Eve asked. Sweetie was
petrified with fear.
	" Ah, don't worry. This won't hurt. Me," Eve said. She then grabbed the cage
and ran off the fire escape.
	Meanwhile, Monty still hadn't put together a full sentence in talking to Mary,
and she was sitting there giving Monty funny looks. The first audible words Monty
said after a few minutes of stuttering was," Mary, you're hot and I want to go out
with you." Then Mary's look of confusion turned to a look of being horrified. She
slammed the door on Monty, who drooled every time he saw Mary's new look.
	Eve came up behind and yelled," hey Monty!" Monty was launched into the
air from the surprise of the yell coming from right behind him. His head was put
through the floor above him and the woman in the apartment and screamed. That
woman then hit Monty over the head repeatedly with a broom until Monty fell back
down to the floor below.
	" Ok, I got the bird. Let's go," Eve said. " You did a good job of distracting
Mary. What'd you say?" 
	" Oh.. uh.. nothing. If anybody mentions it, say it did it on a bet," Monty
said.
	" That bad? Oh well. We have to go to the library now," Eve said.
	" Huh?" Monty asked.
	" Trust me," Eve said.
	The two walked in the library and the old lady at the freshly polished library
desk fainted at the sight of the black and white painted, excessively pierced Eve and
her somewhat similarly looking boyfriend. 
	" I've never been in one of these places before," Monty said as he looked at
the rows of cedar bookshelves, the green carpet, and the nerdish looking students
that were sitting at tables studying. 
	" Me neither," Eve said. Eve led Monty into the back room of the library and
flipped on the lights. The room was small and full of worms.
	" This is bookworm and his friends," Eve said. Eve then reached her hand
into the narrow opening of the bird cage, grabbed her hand around Sweetie's neck,
pulled out a small piece of thick brown rope and tied it around her. She then threw
Sweetie into the gathered group of worms.
	" You guys go nuts. I'll be back in  few minutes when you're finished with
her," Eve said. She then grabbed Monty's hand and dragged him out. 
	" What's going on? I thought you were going to do something to her,"
Monty said.
	" This seemed like more fun. That bird's trying to eat worms all the time, and
they have no shot in a fight with her. So, I'm giving them their chance to get at her. I
guess this is my soft side," Eve said.
	" Now that's saying something," Monty thought to himself. From the small
back room they could hear the sounds of books colliding with the small, sarcastic
bird. After hearing this for a few minutes, Eve and Monty walked back in and saw
that Sweetie had been hit with books for about five minutes by a group of worms.
	" Should we bring her back now?" Monty asked.
	" No, we're not finished yet," Eve said.
	Eve grabbed the tied up Sweetie, forgetting the cage, and walked out of the
library with Monty. 
	" What are we doing now?" Monty asked.
	" More of the same, sort of," Eve said. As the two walked out of the Acme
library they were bumped into by a male fowl in a dress. After taking a second look,
Monty said," Fowlmouth?"
	" I can explain," Fowlmouth said.
	" I don't think I want to know," Eve said.
	" That ***** of a chick stole my clothes during the shower after basketball practice and left me this sequin dress," Fowlmouth said.
	" And you came here to see if she's here with your clothes?" Eve asked.
	" Actually I wanted some ****in' accessories so I want to see if she's here
and can give me some," Fowlmouth said. Monty and Eve both gave him a peculiar
look and continued walking away.
	Monty began thinking that maybe Fowlmouth wasn't so happy with his
girlfriend disspite the fact that she was very attractive. 
	After a few minutes of walking, Monty almost began to long for Eve's
creative driving methods. After a few more, they arrived in Acme Acres park, full of
tall, thick green trees and several toons. When Eve and Monty walked into the park,
several kids ran away screaming at the sight of them. Another few kids started
peering at the unusual looking couple.
	" Ah, what are you looking at you stupid brats? Get lost!" Monty yelled.
Quickly they all ran away. 
	" Here's what we're here for," Eve said, pointing to one of the largest trees in
the park.
	" So? It's a stupid tree!" Monty said.
	" Yeah, but it's full of birds," Eve said, pulling out Sweetie who was now
wearing a worm costume. " They'll think it's the biggest worm they've ever seen!" 
	Eve then tossed Sweetie up to a bird's next and walked away. As the two
reached the exit of the park again, Sweetie fell from the tree with the costume no w
mangled and Sweetie flying away with a long trail of birds flying after her. 
	As Eve and Monty headed down the mostly empty gray sidewalks, they
could see the image of a large, white, muscular dog running at them.
	" What do you want Arnold?" Monty asked.
	" Your girlfriend blew up my gym. Now she must die," Arnold said.
	Arnold pulled his fist back, but didn't hit her.
	" No, I couldn't hit a little wimpy girl," Arnold said. Instead he pulled out a
mallet and hit Monty over the head.
	" Hey you can't do that to my boyfriend," Eve said. She pulled out a large
wooden mallet of her own and hit Arnold over the head. Arnold then hit Monty, so
Eve hit Arnold. This went back and forth for hours before they finally stopped. By
this time Monty was as flat as a pancake. To get him home Eve rolled Monty like a
wheel down the street.
	"Ow!" Monty yelled every time they would hit a rock or some other painful
object in the road. When they arrived at Plucky's house, where Monty claimed to
live, Eve just slid him under the door and said," see ya Monty."
	Monty re-inflated after a few seconds once inside. By this time, Plucky and
his parents were back inside, so Monty left their house and started his way home.
	The following day after school, Eve took Monty to one of the wierdest
places he'd ever seen: her house.
	" We're here," Eve said as she pulled open the black wooden door and
flipped on the lights. Monty stood awe struck as he saw this house of the venerated.
He saw the deep red carpet leading up a stair case, the black rugs, the strange
posters often involving strange messages on her walls. And, through all the
decorations that reflected her unique look, he saw one lone picture sitting on a
bookshelf across the living room. He walked over and lifted up the gold picture
frame, blew the dust off, and saw a young girl with flowing, long, light brown hair
smiling with what appeared to be two happy looking parents.
	" Who's this?" Monty asked as he looked at it. Eve saw Monty, looking at
the picture, dahsed over and swiped it from him.
	" Don't touch anything unless I give you permission," Eve said. 
	" How come you keep that picture of some little girl around among the rest
of this wierd stuff?" Monty asked.
	" Why do you care?" Eve asked. She then took the picture, stuffed it in a
drawer and locked it. Eve then walked by a mirroe and gasped a little.
	" I have to go upstaris and do something to my hair. You stay here and don't
touch anything," Eve ordered.
	" Why? What's wrong with your hair?" Monty asked. He then saw the back
of it as she walked up the stairs and saw a little light brown at the roots. 
	Monty couldn't help but look around as Eve reinforced the black in her hair
upstairs. He saw that almost everything painted either black or red, except for the
occasional piece of furniture and a few pieces of furniture. 
	Meanwhile upstairs, Eve was busy applying the darkest shade of black in her
hair she could find.
	" Ha! They should have called this shade ` Snow white ` not ` gothic black `
like it says on the box. Maybe next time I'll take Karen's advice and use ` just for
men ` gel," Eve commented as she applied the dark hair coloring. 
	Eve paced around, waiting for the color to stamp out the remainder of the
light brown in her hair. While she waited for the new shade to envelop her hair, she
began adjusting her makeup. She made the black that circled around her left eye and
brought it below her nose between her nostrills and lips, and curled it up from the
cheek to the top of her head. 
	" Monty! What are you doing down there?!?" Eve shouted downstairs.
	" Uh.. nothing!" Monty replied as he looked through the rooms downstairs.
	Finally, after a few more minutes, Eve came back downstairs and Monty
rushed back into the spot he was standing in before.
	Eve gave Monty the grand, horrifying tour of her house that appeared to
have been decorated by her solely.
	" And your parents let you decorate this whole place yourself?" Monty
inquired. Eve offered no reply.
	" Hello? Did you hear what I said?" Monty asked.
	" They don't live here," Eve replied after a few more seconds of hiatus.
	" That must be great!" Monty said.
	" Look, I think you should go now," Eve said. Monty got a confused look on
his face but didn't budge. 
	Eve took a running start and shoved Monty in the back. He flew through a
wall and he ended up on the front lawn.
	" Go home!" Eve shouted at him. Monty got up and ran from the lawn in the
direction of his house.
	" What a stupid kid. He thinks I want to explain every little thing to him.
Doesn't he realize we have to save something for the sequel?" Eve asked herself. 
	The following day, Eve wasn't in class second period, which was the only
period of the day when Monty had a class with Mary. Mary was sitting next to the
deep blue furred Eddie during this class. Eddie looked over and saw Monty staring
at Mary and drooling. After a few minutes of this, the white faced, multi - pierce
having Eve walked in and Monty quickly stopped staring at Mary. Eve sat down
right next to Monty.
	" What's with the river running from your desk?" Eve asked.
	" Uh.. uh.." Monty stuttered as Eve's dark purple lips curled into a frown.
	" Oh, Vicky, how do you always end up with the losers?" Eddie asked under
his breath looking at Monty scrambling for an excuse. 
	" I'm waiting," Eve said.
	" I.. uh.. saw you coming in and began drooling," Monty said.
	" Yeah, right," Eve said sarcastically. For the rest of the class Eve just glared
at Monty. Every time Monty looked over and saw her scowl, he cringed. 
	After class, Eve grabbed Monty by the back on the neck in the hall and held
him up against a locker.
	" I want the truth. Are you cheating on me?" Eve asked.
	" No, I swear it," Monty said.
	" Right," Eve yelled sarcastically," you're cheating on me with that bimbo
Mary, aren't you?"
	" No!" Monty said.
	" Fine, I'll believe you. This time. If I catch you with her, that's it," Eve said,
dropping Monty and walking away.
	At lunch, Eve left again so Monty was left sitting with Fowlmouth who, for
some reason, wasn't sitting with his girlfriend at their usual small wooden table in the
far right corner of the cafeteria. Once again, he was looking at Mary. 
	Meanwhile, Eddie was in a corner eating with a few acquaintances from
various classes. He saw Monty looking at Mary again and become angry. He thought
Monty would cheat on Eddie's best friend at his first chance.
	" This is too much," Eddie said, getting up. He walked across the cold, dirty
floor of the cafeteria and over to Monty's table.
	" Monty, I have something to tell you," Eddie said.
	" What?" Monty asked.
	" It's about Mary," Eddie said. Monty's eyes lit up. " I was talking to her in
second period and she told me something I'm not supposed to tell you."
	" What?" Monty asked.
	" She said she likes you, but she can't say anything because you're going out
with Eve."
	" Really?" Monty asked in a high pitched voice. Eddie nodded yes.
	Just then, Eve walked into the cafeteria.She walked into the food line, and
right in line in front of her, Hamton stood. She watched as he ordered the last cherry
coke, the beverage Eve planned to order herself. As Hamton walked out of line, Eve
bumped him with his shoulder.
	" I was going to order that!" Eve yelled at Hamton.
	Hamton began shaking out of apprehensiveness at the sight of Eve. She
began glaring at him. 
	" Uh... Buster..." Hamton called.
	" You're Buster's friend?" Eve asked.
	" Yes."
	" I think we need to talk. I'll find you, him, and his friends later and we'll
discuss things. "
	Eve then walked over to Monty, leaving Hamton. Hamton, confused by
Eve's sudden change of attitude, walked back to his table. 
	" Eve, we need to talk," Monty said, looking across the room at Mary.
	" What about?" 
	" Well, I don't think we should go out anymore," Monty said, trailing off at
the end. Eve's eyes filled with rage.
	" It's just that... you're too unpredictable. You've only done little things so far
but I don't know where your wicked ways could lead."
	"  I don't think that's it. It's really because of Mary, isn't it?" .
	" Well..." 
	" Fine, go off with her. This could be the biggest mistake you've ever made,"
Eve shouted. She then slapped him and kicked him, and his wallet fell out of his
pocket. Eve saw the volumes of cash and credit cards, and picked it up.
	" I thought you weren't one of those rich brats," Eve said with her dark red
eyes looking very accusing.
	" Uh..uh..." 
	" Yet another lie. Just like you cheating on me," Eve proclaimed. She then
looked at the adresses on the creidt cards.
	" You live in the heart of snob country!" 
	" He does?" Eddie said as he ran towards the splitting up couple.
	" Yeah. Monty's really one of those rich losers," Eve said. Eddie frowned and
drew a mallet. He then hit Monty over the head with it, flattening him.
	" Well, we can fix this problem a little," Eve said. She then made eye contact
with Eddie and they both drew scissors. They took his credit cards and cut them up,
dropping the pieces on Monty's head. Then, they both pocketed half of his money,
and threw out his wallet. 
	" I'm finished with you. For now anyway, so go off with your stupid little
Mary," Eve said. 
	Monty reinflated himself, and ran off towards Mary.
	" Oh Mary!" Monty called.
	" What is it Monty?" Mary asked.
	" I'm single now," Monty said. Mary gave him a puzzled look and asked,"
so?"
	" So, let's go out," Monty said. Mary and several of her friends began
laughing. Monty just now picked up on the fact that Eddie lied to him. Quickly
Monty ran over with an evil looking growl on his face to Eddie.
	" Mary doesn't like me you stupid liar!" Monty screamed at him.
	" Get lost."
	" Oh no, you're dead." 
	Quickly a scalding hot pie nailed Monty in the back of the head. another one
followed hitting him in the face. While Monty cleaned the pie off his face, he felt
himself pushed to the ground and then felt something on his wrist. When all the hot
goo was out of his face, he saw Eve standing over him with a few more pies and he
discovered he'd been handcuffed to the cafeteria table. As he tried to pull off the
silver cuffs, Eve threw the rest in his face and walked off, leaving him with no way
of leaving and a slightly burned face.
	Meanwhile, Hamton was back over with his friends relaying his account of
Eve's actions.
	" That's really strange," Buster commented.
	" I know, but for whatever reason she's decided to act civil, it has something
to do with you and your friends," Hamton explained. Buster was curious and a little
afraid now.
	" I hope she doesn't have a crush on me or anything," Buster thought to
himself.
	Later on that day, after the school maintenence crew cut him loose, Monty
opened his locker and was immediately hit by a boxing glove on a spring.
	" Ow. That was just like Evander Holyfield hitting me or something," Monty
commented. Next, a pair of teeth on a spring came out and bit him on the ear. " Ow.
That was just like Mike Tyson!"
	Dizzy walked by and saw the teeth imbedded in Monty's ear.
	" What happen?" Dizzy asked.
	" Stupid Eve!" Monty replied. 
	" Eve?" Dizzy asked, his eyes lighting up.
	" Yeah, you know. That freak girl that made me get these stupid rings,"
Monty said, pulling all the rings out of his piercing. 
	" Dizzy love Eve!" Dizzy said.
	" No you don't!" Monty screamed at him. After that, Dizzy walked away.
	Monty got home that night and saw spray paint all over his house. The words
" Monty loves Mary " were all over. On Monty's front door, a note was waiting that
said " guess you won't be able to keep it a secret from anybody else." Monty's face
went pitch red and he stormed inside.
	" Grovelley clean that off!" Monty said point outside.
	" Sorry sir but I can't," Grovelley said.
	" Why not?" Monty asked.
	" The young vandal who stopped by convinced me not to," Grovelley replied.
Just then Monty heard a car pull in his driveway. His parents were returning from
their business trip. His mother screamed and fainted when she saw it. 
	Half an hour later, his mother was revived and screamed loud enough to
shatter glass once again. 
	" I don't know what happened son, but if it isn't fixed, I'm cutting off your
allowance," Monty's father said.
	" No!!!" Monty screamed. " This time she's gone too far. I need to make her
get away from me before this gets any worse."
	The following day at school, Monty arrived and was immediately approached
by Bugs.
	" Monty, all your classes have been changed," Bugs said, handing him a new
schedule. Monty saw home economics, advanced calculus ( the class only Calamity
was currently passing ), explosives testing ( the class where teachers test acme
dynamite on students ), and basic " How to be a cartoon rabbit " where Monty
would be surrounded by his less than favorite species. What Monty didn't know, but
could easily figure out, was that Eve called the school pretending to be his mother
and had his classes changed. Needless to say, Monty was not amused.
	" I can't take these classes!" Monty exclaimed.
	" Sorry doc, but your mother called da school and said to change your
classes to these," Bugs explained right before he walked away.
	" This is it!" Monty yelled out. He went, got Dizzy, and walked up behind
Eve.
	" What are you doing!?!" Monty screamed at her.
	" I warned you, didn't I? " Eve asked," and it's going to get worse and
worse."
	" No! Dizzy, do something!" Monty exclaimed. Eve saw Dizzy growl, spin
into a tornado and destroy practically everything in the hall. The swarm of
destruction and chaos more than got Eve's attention.
	" Whoa," Eve said. She then slowly walked up to Dizzy who felt like he was
in love. " You're cute," Eve commented. She then put her arm around his shoulder
and the two walked away. 
	" They deserve each other," Monty thought as the two walked away
together. Eddie looked over and saw Eve getting closer to Dizzy as they walked,
and his face got a bit of disappointment on it, but then he said to himself," at least
you did a little better this time." 
	As Dizzy and Eve walked off, Eve said to Dizzy," we're going out now. And,
before you say anything, did I say you have a choice?"
			THE END