Tiny Toon Adventures: The Bloomin' Loonies By Jennifer Cleckley (Rottin Kid@aol.com) and Jerry T. Withers (jwithers@tcfn.org) aka Furball T. Cat This is my second attempt at TT fan fiction. My first is stuck in limbo until I hear from either one of my collaborators. If it gets finished, I'll have two versions, and probably two stories. Well I don't mind, and if you want to have v3 v4 or v5, and have seen and liked the Samurai Pizza Cats write me. I'll send you what I've written so far. HKUriah liked it. Well anyway the idea for *this* story came to me after I read "Miranda," then "A (slightly) Monumental Decision," "Is Breaking Up All THAT Hard to Do?", and "Hoops Du Jour." I was also listening to They Might Be Giants, and White Town at the time, so I got a little weird. Also I begged, and pestered Furball to collaborate with me on this one since it's his story line that I've decided to careen toward, and crash headfirst into. -J. C. What can I say? She strong-armed me into it. :-) - J.W. Okay. Here we go. Oh this story will probably contain lyrics from the "Flood," and "John Henry" albums by They Might Be Giants, and "Women in Technology" by White Town. Right off it quotes Dead or Alive. ================================================== = TTA: THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES =0= The sun shone upon a fairly ordinary day at Acme Looniversity. Those few stragglers that every institute of higher learning seems to have were just climbing the steps, and hoping to get past the hall monitors to their classes. It was a peaceful scene. Even with the sounds of mallets and anvils. Those were pretty normal for this place. "'WATCH OUT HERE WE COME!'" a chorus of three sang from an undetermined direction and distance, shattering the fragile tranquillity. A male voice continued to sing: "'You spin me round- round, baby. Right round. Like a record, baby. Right round, round- round!'" "Uh. . . , Nigel?" "'You spin me right round, baby, right round!'" "NIGEL!" "'Like a recor-' What?" "We're goin' too bloody fast!" There was a pause. "Oh NO! These blasted brakes aren't working!" "You're squeezing the wrong thing, Nige," a girl's voice said. "I CAN'T be! There's only ONE bloody thing TO squeeze!" "I knew that bloke was too eager to sell this thing yesterday." Those who had stopped to listen to the exchange decided that running for it would be a most prudent approach to the situation. When a shout of "INCOMING!!" was followed by the loud crashing of a bright red scooter and a trio of toons flying into the Looniversity building the latecomers decided that they were onto something and ran to their classes, never mind the mallet bearing monitors. The three crash victims slowly, painfully got to their feet under the eyes of those curious enough to have stayed. The twin rabbits, fraternal, looked quite a bit like the girls' basketball coach, except for the more conservative attire, the fact that they were younger than she was, and the twin purple streaks in their blond hair. "Next time," the girl of the pair said in a pretty English accent, "I'll drive." The albino rat was dressed like his two companions but not quite, and looked just a bit sheepish at her comment, then grinned. "Allright. I don't mind letting *you* crash." "Bicker later you two," the male rabbit said patting the shoulders of his sister, and their friend. "Let's get registered, shall we? We've got the Serena syndrome." "I knew we shouldn't have lingered over that episode," the girl muttered as they ran into the building. They raced along the hallway, gracefully avoiding students and faculty alike on the way to the registration office, excusing themselves all the way. The two lapins lept to avoid a puddle of mop water sloshed by the janitor, but their rodent pal hit the slick running full speed. He went into a skid, and was headed right for a group of girls chatting by their lockers. "Look OUT!!" he shouted as he fell to his side while trying to change his trajectory. He slid all the way across the hall, slamming hard into the lockers, and causing Rubella Rat to fall to the floor in his wake. "Oh blast," he muttered as he got up, and started to gather the fallen books. Ruby, and her temper, rose and she rounded upon the jerk that had knocked her legs from beneath her. She wanted to tear into him because she was somewhat upset with herself for not getting out of the way when she had the chance, but when she found the object of her ire she was in for a surprise. Firstly was the fact he was another rat. An albino with the strangest pale lavender hair, and wearing an odd blue and gold jersey and denim walking shorts. The second surprise was the fact that he was already picking up her books for her. "Terribly sorry," he said in a pleasantly accented voice, handing Rubella her books with a little bow. "Nigel! C'mon! We're late already!" came a shout from down the hall. "Oh! Right!" the boy said startled. "Got to dash, miss. Look, I'll see you later, ay what?" With that he ran down the hall to catch up with his friends. "Oh sure," Ruby said sarcastically, "when I see *you* later I'll get as far away as I can." She barely got to homeroom in time, and that caused her to get mad at "Nigel" all over again. It was all *his* fault, and he had not stayed to apologize properly. Though he had been considerate enough to pick up her books for her. She wondered why Elmer was taking so long to get started with the usual dull announcements and stuff, when she noticed that he had not started speaking. He was just standing there, as if he was waiting for something or someone. "Hewwo, cwass," Professor Fudd said in concerned tones, "I was going to intwoduce thwee new students all the way fwom mewwy old Engwand, but-" "Bloody minded bureaucratic oafs!" came a girl's voice from the hallway. "All that silliness only served to make us later than we already were," griped a young male rabbit that immediately caught the attention of the female members of the class. He was followed by his twin sister, who drew just as much attention. "NOT AGAIN!!" shouted an all too familiar voice to Rubella. She cringed inwardly at the imminent disaster that, right on cue, skidded through the door. The girl quickly sat on Professor Fudd's desk, and Nigel collided with the boy rabbit, and they both went flying. The bunny landed on Miranda Mink's desk, and the white rat ended up suspended from the ceiling fan. "'Once I flew-ew, and it made my fingertips sing,'" the hare sang, himself, before oozing off the desk and looking up at the rodent. "Nigel, what are you doing up there?" "Hanging by my cricket jersey, and getting rather dizzy," replied Nigel. "Hello, everybody," the girl said grinning cheerfully and waving. She wore a They Might Be Giants t-shirt featuring a blue bird, and a loose pair of jeans. "I'm Lizbeth Carrotte. The dazed looking fellow sitting by that desk is my brother, Lionel. The greenish looking bloke with the purple hair is my other brother, Nigel." The class looked at the flying rat, and then looked in askance at Lizbeth. "I was adopted, so sue me," Nigel said feeling his shirt slip off of the fan blade. It looked like he was going to land on Ruby when he finally came free, and he almost did, but he gave gravity a little help. That was how he hit the edge of Rubella's desk, hard, instead of falling on her. The room collectively winced at the sound of the impact, and Nigel got up from the floor clutching his side. "Well that was painful." At that moment, Ruby was torn between a) feeling sorry for this apparently accident-prone rat, and b) feeling that it served him right. Instead, against her better judgment, she tried helping him to an empty chair. "Come on, Nigel," she told him, "just sit down for a minute. It'll wear off, believe me." "Thank you very much, miss..." "Rubella...but my friends call me 'Ruby'," she smiled, beginning to forget her earlier anger at this newcomer. "I'll remember that...Ruby," he smiled back. As Ruby headed back to her seat, it never occurred to her that this could be an open invitation to a *different* kind of disaster. Anyway, she had other questions on her mind...and apparently, she wasn't the only one thinking them. Miranda raised a paw. "Yes, Miwanda?" Professor Fudd asked. "Well, I don't mean to sound forward, but..." She hesitated before continuing. "Are you guys any relation to our basketball coach?" The Carrottes looked at each other quizzically for a fraction of a second before the light dawned on them. "Oh," Lizbeth exclaimed, "you mean Lola? Yes, we are. You see, her aunt's our mum, which makes her our cousin...or something..." She grinned apologetically. "I'm not too 'up' on all that family tree stuff, I'm afraid." "We're drivin' her balmy till our parents can get the move completed," Lionel said as he got up, and noticed the bespectacled mink whose desk he was leaning on. "Sorry 'bout landing on your desk, miss," he uttered apologetically, gifting her with his most charming smile. Miranda blushed and giggled. He wore jeans like his sister's, but his t-shirt said "Soho Monarchs Marching Band". "In other words," Nigel said with an amused grin at his brother's flirting, "we're staying at her house till our parents get our stuff here safely. We've got a house, but Mum, and Da didn't want us to be staying in there all alone." "They're afraid that we'd throw a house warming party and not invite them," giggled Lizbeth. "*Then* there's the small matter of not wrecking the house before we can get properly settled and all that." The class laughed at this last statement which was combined with a "Would I do that?" look that was a riot. "Excuse me, Wizbeth," Professor Fudd said. "Yes," she asked then noticed the stern look the teacher was directing her way, "Oh! Right." She hopped off the desk, and made her way to an empty desk, dragging Lionel away from Miranda. From there things proceeded as normal, but not until Professor Fudd handed Lizbeth, Lionel, and Nigel their class assignments. First period bell rang, and the students filed out into the halls. The trio had three different first period classes, so they promised to meet up at lunch time. Nigel trotted along wishing that he had a map, when he felt himself sliding *AGAIN*. He tried everything in his power to stop, slow down, or even change where he was going, but to no avail. "Oh bloody. . . ," he uttered as he felt somebody fall over him, and he finally came to a stop. He got up, started picking up the scattered books, and turned to hand them to the person he had tripped. "Terribly sorr. . . ," the rat uttered becoming lost in the emerald green eyes of a drop-dead gorgeous black cat, ". . . ree" The cat, who called herself 'RuBarb', looked at him quizzically. "Is something wrong with your eyes?" "Not a thing," Nigel replied, still in a bit of a daze, although not necessarily from his latest collision. "Then why don't you watch where you're going next time?" she smiled. Nigel gave a rueful grin. "Honest, miss, it wasn't _entirely_ my fault." RuBarb was only slightly convinced. "Uh-huh. Rubella _told_ me I'd have to get used to your type," she said offhandedly. "What type is that?" Nigel asked, becoming only slightly defensive, as if he'd just been insulted. "Boys," she answered. "Oh," Nigel laughed, "I see..." RuBarb held out a paw. "Oh, my name is Rudelle Barbara Purrenstein, of the Boston Purrensteins, but you can call me 'RuBarb'. In fact," she confided with a smile, "I'd _prefer_ it if you did! Nice to meet you... er..." "Nigel Augustus Carrotte, of the London Carrottes, but you can call me 'Nigel'. I'm sure you've heard of my mother, Lillian Carrotte, the famous five star gourmet chef." "Lillian... Carrotte?" she asked, before recognition came to her. "You mean the author of '101 Ways To Fix Egg Salad For Good'? I base my entire dietary _life_ on that book!" she gushed, before absent- mindedly looking in her other paw. "I think this is yours," she continued, handing him his class assignments. "Oh. Thank you," he murmured, still bemused, then spotted the selfsame janitor that he had seen the other two times. "Enough's enough," Nigel said walking behind the dopey looking puma, "Once or twice I can accept, but three times is utter silliness." The albino was hidden by Pete's form until, *WHAM* the cricket bat bashed his skull, and entire upper torso into the mop bucket. Nigel, looking peeved, gripped his bat, and glared at the pailed puma. From the bucket came a stream of muffled cursing, then Pete's feet wiggled madly til they came in contact with the floor. As the puma, still in the bucket, staggered off they heard: "eeeeeEEEEEEeeeeee. . . ," then more griping. "Are you sure he deserved that?" RuBarb asked eyes glinting impishly. "He sloshed mop water into my path *three* times, RuBarb, what do you think?" Nigel asked reasonably, then looked at his classes. "By the way, do you know where 'Comedic Violence 101' is located?" RuBarb smiled. "Depends. Are you going there to study it or teach it?" "Well, I'd say that I'm going to study it," Nigel mused examining his assignment sheet. "According to this, the Professor's name is Daffy Duck. Since that obviously isn't my name, I guess that shows me up as a mere student." RuBarb laughed, and escorted her new friend to the right room since that was where she was going as well. =0= "So, Ruby, what do you think of them?" Miranda found it hard to contain her girlish excitement, even as she wheeled down the hall beside Rubella in her wheelchair. "I know I won't be voting for them in the next election, that's for sure..." Miranda half-closed her eyes, shifted her pupils to one side, and then whacked Ruby in the side as hard as she could. "OWW!!! Hey, watch it, half-pint!" Ruby advised her crossly. "I bruise easily!" "I _meant_ the new boys..." "_I_ knew that..." "Isn't Lionel cute?" "He is if you like rabbits," Ruby confided. "You can _have_ him..." "I *CAN*? Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou..." Miranda quickly stopped. "Um... you were speaking metaphorically just now, weren't you?" "Yep." "Oh." Miranda paused only briefly before she continued. "Well, I _still_ think Lionel's cute..." "You think creamed chipped beef on toast is cute," Ruby snickered. "I do _not!_" Miranda glared. "Anyway, I bet you think that Nigel is just as cute..." Ruby gasped loudly, and brought her hand to her face so fast she was in danger of punching herself in the mouth. "Don't SAY that! Not even as a JOKE!!" Obviously, Miranda had struck a nerve. "Jealous boyfriend, huh?" "You don't know Roderick, do you, shrimp boat?" Miranda half-closed her eyes again, pursed her lips, and nodded. "Jealous boyfriend..." she muttered. "Look, I think Nigel's sort-of-cute... in a _common_ sort of way," she whispered. "But he sure is accident-prone..." "Actually, I think he's more '_prone_ prone'," Miranda agreed. "And what did you mean by 'common'?" "OOPS! Did I say THAT?" Ruby smacked herself in the forehead. "I keep forgetting I'm not at Perfecto anymore," she grimaced in embarrassment, looking around quickly. "You don't think anybody heard me, do you?" "Besides me? I don't think so," Miranda replied. "Good," Ruby sighed. "See, before I transferred here, I had a bit of a reputation as a snob..." Miranda propped her head on her hand and looked up at Ruby sarcastically. "You did? Gee, I'd have never guessed..." she said flatly. "Okay, stop that," Ruby sighed, now thoroughly chastened by her own behavior. "Okay, so maybe Nigel's... _uncommonly_ cute. How's that, better?" Miranda nodded pleasantly. "But Roddy and I have been going together for _years_." She sighed again. "I'll admit it hasn't always been smooth, and he can be a _jerk_ at times, but he's _MY_ jerk... does any of this make any sense?" "Umm... sort of..." "I didn't think so," Ruby sighed yet again. -0- Meanwhile, over at Perfecto Prep, Roderick Rat was huddled over a desk full of books and papers, trying to solve some problem as best as he could... to the amusement of his long-time #2 crony, Danforth Drake. "Why, Roddy," he said in mock amazement, his voice just oozing sarcasm. "You're actually _studying_? That's so unlike you, ha ha ha!" Roddy turned around and glared at him eyes bright red. "Knock it off, Danforth! You know me better than that. Anyway, only _losers_ study..." "As in 'Acme Loo-sers', eh? Ha ha ha!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." "So, Roddy, what exactly _are_ you doing?" "Same thing I do _EVERY_ year at this time... TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WOR... Oh, wait, that's another cartoon, isn't it?" He shook his head to try and clear the cobwebs. Obviously, he'd been at this (whatever it was) for some time. "Not for much longer, I hear," Danforth added with a self-satisfied smirk, before getting back to the original subject (whatever _that_ was!). "Well, then..." "What ELSE do we do at this time of year, Danforth?" Roddy rasped. "Try to win 'The Acme Bowl'!" The years of frustration at never having won that game had always gnawed at him. "Well, one good thing this year..." "What's that?" "Acme doesn't have Buster Bunny leading the team!" Roddy said gleefully. "They're practically in a rebuilding mode... and _that's_ gonna be their weakness!" He rubbed his paws together greedily, as if The Acme Trophy were already his. Danforth knew that look. It always spelled disaster. Usually for Roddy -- and Perfecto. "Say, Roderick, old chap, I don't mean to be a wet blanket..." "Then _shaddup-..." Danforth ignored him. "But just the same, don't you think we should spy on the other team, just to be on the safe side?" He paused before continuing. "Or, are you going to let _her_ do the spying for you?" he insinuated. "'Her' who?... Oh, you mean Rubella?" "I _do_..." "Forget it," Roddy barked. "She won't even think of it. Besides, I already asked her." "And?" "You know that saying about Heck having no fury like a woman scorned?" "Yes?" "Believe me, it's _nothing_ compared to asking your girlfriend to... er, 'rat' on her own schoolmates! I guess she's still ticked off about what Margot did to her back in September." Danforth opened his beak, but Roddy interrupted him. "And to tell you the truth, so am _I_! I wanna know who put her up to whacking my girl!" Obviously, the attack on Ruby was still very much a sore point with Roddy, and he made no attempts to hide it. "What makes you say a thing like that?" Danforth asked, slightly put off. "Just a hunch," Roddy snapped back. "We both know that Margot's as evil as they come, right?" "Right..." "And we also know she's not brilliant enough to have thought of something like that on her own. _Somebody_ had to talk her into it... Anyway, that can wait. First, we win the Acme Bowl. _Then_, we find out who put Margot up to it... and when we do..." He drew his index finger across his throat and made the appropriate sound effect. "Get it?" "(Gulp!_) Got it!" "Good! Now get lost, I got some more thinking to do..." He dismissed Danforth with a casual wave of his paw. The duck was only too happy to split. As he closed the door behind him, Danforth thought to himself, 'Whew! _That_ was close! If he ever finds out the truth, I'll be a dead drake in more ways than _one_..." He stopped, looked around nervously, took a deep breath, and decided that the only way to forestall the inevitable was to stay in Roddy's good graces for as long as possible. And the only way to do _that_, would be to spy on the Acme Loo team himself... -0- The morning classes went by unusually quickly for the Carrottes, mainly because they were having too much fun (each in their own way, of course). Before they knew it, lunch time had arrived. Miranda, Ruby, RuBarb, Lionel and Lizbeth had just seated themselves at an open table, waiting for Nigel. Rubella said, "I take it your brother is less than punctual?" Lizbeth smiled. "You could say that's his weak suit." Miranda couldn't stop herself. "What's his _strong_ suit?" Lionel replied, "A charming little three-piece made of limburger cheese, why d'ya ask?" The girls all buried their heads in their hands and groaned loudly, except for RuBarb, who was flipping through her copy of '101 Ways To Fix Egg Salad For Good' in order to find her next adventure in bagged lunches. Suddenly, she stopped when she saw a picture of Nigel by a recipe he'd contributed, 'Super Cheesy Scrambled Egg Salad'. At that moment, Nigel _finally_ showed up (walking, not sliding). RuBarb, at that point, took matters into her own paws. "REALP!" yelped Nigel as RuBarb pulled him into the seat beside her. "Oh... uhm... hallo." "Why didn't you tell me that you're a celebrity?" the kitten asked gazing intently at the albino rat. "A celebrity? What on earth gave you that idea?" Nigel asked with an amused look on his face. RuBarb just showed him the picture by the Super Cheesy Scrambled Egg Salad recipe. "Oh. That's just my picture in one of my Mum's cookery books." "Your Mum?" RuBarb asked. "Lillian Carrotte is a rabbit." "You know something? You're absolutely right," the albino said. "Though I was an early age when I started noticing the differences between myself and my siblings. All three of us did have large ears, but mine were more wide than long." Miranda, and Ruby giggled, while Lionel and Lizbeth both strained to keep from laughing. "Then there's tails," Nigel continued blithely. "They have cute little fluff-balls while mine is long, skinny, and devoid of fur. Which explains why I wear tail-warmers every winter. And, of course, the noses are different. My nose, like most noses, proceeds me everywhere I go, but its _just_ a bit more odvious about it." At this Miranda doubled over laughing, and Rubella was barely hanging on. "All this shows me up for a rat, but my Mum, and sibs are rabbits. I bet you're wondering how this could be aren't you?" "Yes, actually, I am," RuBarb said, eyes gleaming with suppressed laughter. "The evidence is sort of stacked against you." "Well, the truth of the matter is," Nigel started, pausing for a very deep breath, "I am adopted." As all around her broke out in gales of laughter while Nigel finished wrapping up his tale of something that should've been obvious even to RuBarb, the kitten turned to Lizbeth. "How many times has he told this story?" she asked, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "I lost count a long time ago," she confided. "Guess it's 'cos he never tells it the same way twice!" Lionel rose and went to the still giggling Miranda. "Are you allright?" he asked laying a paw on her shoulder. "Yes," chortled the mink, "thanks." Lionel squeezed her shoulder, then took her hand, kissed it, then grinned and winked at her. Miranda was giggling like crazy now, Ruby snickered, RuBarb shook her head, and Lizbeth waited. As soon as Lionel was within range she elbowed him in the ribs. "Argh! She got me!" he said clutching his side, and falling to the floor. Everybody at the table chuckled except the mink, who asked Lionel if he was okay. "I'll be fine," the rabbit replied tragically, before collapsing back, causing Miranda to giggle in spite of herself. The sound of a tray hitting a table drew the group's attention, and about two tables away stood Lola Bunny. Her shoulders were shaking with mirth, as she turned in their direction. The Carrottes gifted their cousin with big cheesy grins, causing her to collapse into a chair laughing. "I'll see you three later," Lola finally managed, as she got up and moved on to the faculty tables. -0- "I've got Americian History next," Nigel observed, as they walked through the halls after lunch. "Me too," Lizbeth said, after checking her sheet. "Me three," Lionel added. "She's absolutely adorable, though. Cute as a button, and with such a wonderful personality." "All right, all right! You've been going on about Miranda ever since we left the cafeteria," Lizbeth uttered rolling her eyes. "He's got a crush," observed Nigel sagely. "Takes one to know one, eh, Nige?" queried Lionel poking his sibling. "We're here," Nigel said, cheerfully evading his brother's question. "Should be interesting getting the other side of the story, ay what?" "Hello," said a pretty gray rabbitfem in a lavender dress, who sat behind the teacher's desk. She offered them a smile, warm and welcoming. "I'm Mrs. Bunny, your Americian History teacher. You must be the new students from London." "Yes, ma'am, we are," Nigel replied. "This is Lizbeth Carrotte, Lionel Carrotte, and I'm Nigel Carrotte. I'm adopted, obviously." Honey Bunny chuckled and got out three double jewel cases, and the register. "Sign your names here. This is what you are to study." "ALLRIGHT! Stan Freberg! Wait a mo," Lionel exclaimed. "Don't we have this set?" "We did at one time," Lizbeth said with a sour look on her face. "It fell victim to one of your ninja battles. The same one that claimed Mum's Riders in the Sky collection." "Ew," Nigel uttered with a wince, "don't remind us." "Your mother likes Riders in the Sky?" Mrs. Bunny queried looking interested. "Actually she's something of a fanatic for them," Lionel observed. "In the process of replacing those records, we found EVERY second- hand music store, antique shop, and vinyl collector in London, and surrounding areas." "Used up a lot of our savings too," Nigel said with a sigh. "A very expensive choice of projectiles we made in our youthful exuberance." "I can imagine," Honey laughed. "Especially the earlier stuff. Find your seats. The second bell is about to ring, and that's everybody's cue to try and break the sound barrier." When all the students got good and settled in, Honey addressed them. "Okay, class, today we'll be picking up from where we left off yesterday about Columbus' voyage to the New World." That was all the Carrottes needed to hear. "Sounds like a song cue if I ever heard one," Lionel grinned at his sibs, as, to Honey's surprise and the class's delight, the trio (unasked) launched into their own rendition of Freberg's demented counterpoint masterpiece, "It's A Round, Round World," with Nigel taking the Columbus role, Lionel singing King Ferdinand, and Lizbeth belting out a one-toonette version of Columbus' crew! When they finished, to the applause of the students, they bowed politely; but Nige couldn't help adding, "And now, 'Opportunity Knocks' for Mrs. Honey Bunny of Acme Acres! Take it away!" Honey merely eyed them coolly. The room fell silent, broken only by Lizbeth's muttered, "We're done for, boys." As Honey continued to eye them coolly, the Carrottes began to experience what is called, in show biz circles, "flop sweat". Finally unable to control herself, Honey broke out laughing! "That was very good, you three! A little _uncalled_ for," she emphasized, "but still, very good! Now, if we have no more auditioners for the next David Merrick musical," she added, "maybe we can get back to the lesson?" And to make sure her point would be well-taken, she said to the Carrottes, "Oh, and can I see 'Bucks Fizz' after class, please?" The Carrottes gulped. Loudly. -0- "Whew! _That_ was close," Nigel said, wiping his brow after class. "I thought she was going to read us the riot act." "Yeah," Lionel added. "She just wanted to know if we'd be willing to sing at the next school dance, is all!" "Wonder where she got _that_ idea from, ay?" Liz added with a wink, as the three made their way down the hall to their next classes. Suddenly, Nigel saw Rubella and RuBarb by their lockers. "Excuse me, friends, but destiny calls." Liz and Lionel looked at each other, shrugged, and went their separate ways, leaving Nige to fend for himself, as it were. "'Ello, ladies," he said in his smoothest tones. The two girls looked at each other, shrugged, and said, "Where?" before giggling helplessly. "Okay, have your little laugh," he smiled. "As it happens, I have a bit of unfinished business here." And clearing his throat, he said, "Miss Rubella, I believe I owe you an apology for giving you a demonstration of what it feels like to be a bowling pin this morning." At that moment, outside the Loo, unseen by anyone else (mainly because he was hiding in the bushes) was Danforth, with a video camera. 'Might as well give it a test run,' he thought, not really knowing what he was shooting. To his surprise, the first thing he saw through the view finder was Ruby and Nigel. "Well, well, what have we here?" he wondered aloud, and focused sharply on the two rats. Meanwhile, inside, Nigel was still attempting to apologize, the British way... by bending slightly at the waist and kissing Ruby's hand. Ruby blushed a little and said, "Um, apology accepted, Nigel." Danforth nearly dropped his camera! "Oh, Roddy is _never_ going to believe *THIS!*" he chuckled evilly. "Talk about 'scouting the opposition'..." Having said that, he left; as it turns out, if he'd only stuck around, he would've gotten the whole picture (so to speak): -0- "I feel better about that, now," Nigel said with a smile. "It was nagging at my conscience a bit. Now for you, Miss Purrinstein, since I knocked your feet from 'neath you as well. Would you allow me to make it up to you by treating you to dinner sometime? I found a vegetarian restaurant in a visitor's guide that sounds pretty good." RuBarb blinked startled at this rather sudden invitation. "You're asking me out?" she asked with a really stunned expression on her face. "Don't it seem kinda odd that you want to take a feline out to dinner?" "You're right again, RuBarb," Nigel uttered with a grin. "I do tend to be a tad eccentric, but I'm a rat that was raised by rabbits, so that does make me a bit odd. I'd still like to take you to dinner sometime. After I check out the restaurant, and make sure it's not exclusive to equines of course." "Of course," RuBarb said still stunned. Nigel bowed, and planted a kiss on the kitten's hand, before heading to his next class. RuBarb stared after him, then shook her head. "That was out of the blue. I would have thought he'd try asking YOU out, Ruby." Rubella tried stifling a giggle, with poor results. "Just as well he _didn't_, Rue. Can you imagine what would happen if Roddy_ ever found out?" -0- "So, did you get anything on the other team?" Roddy asked impatiently, as Danforth popped the video into the VCR. "You... _could_ say that," Danforth replied cryptically. "How's that?" Danforth grinned smugly. "Watch and learn, old chap!" And he backed a good deal away... more to avoid the fallout than anything else. Roddy sat and watched... and stared... and gripped the armrests of his chair so hard that they shattered into a million splinters. (And they were _aluminum_!) "WHAT???" he growled angrily, eyes turning red and mouth foaming rabidly. "WHO is _THAT_, Danforth? And what does he think he's doing?" Danforth smiled. "His name is Nigel Carrotte, he's just arrived from England, and apparently, he's moving in on your territory, old man." He whipped out a razor. "Care to shave?" Roddy knocked the razor out of Danforth's hand angrily. "No, I _don't_!" he yelled, wiping his mouth on Danforth's sleeve. He then paced furiously, muttering incomprehensibly to himself. Finally, he stopped. And smiled. And started to whistle a song. Danforth was puzzled; he'd never heard Roddy do _that_ before. "Are you all right, Roddy?" "_I_ am," he replied, "but this Carrotte fellow may not be," he hinted menacingly. With that, he resumed whistling the same song. "What is that song, by the way?" Danforth asked curiously. "You ever listen to XTC?" "No. Is that one of theirs?" "Uh-huh..." "Might I ask which one?" Roddy grinned evilly. "'Making Plans For Nigel'. What else?" "What else?" Danforth echoed, grinning just as evilly... -0- "It's a brand new album for 1990, 'They Might Be Giants'' brand new album, "FLOOOOOOOOOOD!"" Nigel sang, as the Carrottes entered the Acme Loo music room. He had stunned the entire class in 'Comedic Violence 101' (except, for some reason, RuBarb) by demonstrating to Daffy how to suddenly produce a cricket bat out of thin air and use it, to which Daffy had painfully replied, "Game, Set and Match!" before passing out! "I heard what happened in that class with Professor Duck, Nige," Liz chided him. "Better be careful, there; ducks break easily, you know." "Well, he _did_ ask for it," Nigel grinned, almost as if he'd enjoyed it. "Well, here's the instruments. Shall we have a go?" "Okay," Lionel answered, eyes twinkling merrily, "but couldn't we do a _song_ first?" "_Very_ droll," Nigel replied as the three took their places. "What shall we start with?" Liz suggested, "How about 'Run Runaway'?" "Oh, not _that_ one again!" Nigel groaned in mock hysteria. Liz and Leo exchanged knowing winks, as that was one of Nigel's personal faves (he being a dyed-in-the-fur Slade fan). Nigel took up the electric guitar; Lionel went to the drum set, holding the sticks above the skins with deadly intent; and Lizbeth stepped behind the keyboards. On the count of three Nigel and Leo started the intro, with its pounding beat and guitar riffs. Moments later a crowd gathered outside the music room, and Lizzy added the melody. The crowd was either amazed, or foot-tappingly bemused, and there was Lola of course. She was, rather casually, jamming along on an air guitar. Then again she _had_ been subjected to her cousins' taste in music ever since they arrived in the States, and had developed a liking for some if it. Finally, after that wonderful build up, Nigel stepped up to the mike, and, with a little more gusto than absolutely necessary, let the world know that he was fond of black and white. When "Run Runaway" had finally wound down, the gathering had really gotten into the music. The trio brought the Slade tune to a triumphant close, then segwayed, effortlessly, into, of all things, a love ballad. The song was new to most everybody in the hall, except for Lola, because it was by White Town. There had been but one hit, and not a very big one at that, from the Women in Technology album, and this was _not_ it. "It's the best I can do, so far away from you. As the ocean holds the sky, so I try to hold your eyes. "And I know the world is turning. I know it's yesterday for you. But the shape we're giving love can never be untrue." The audience to this impromptu concert had mixed feelings. The romantically inclined wished to know what the title of the song was so they could pester the Request and Dedication DJ for it that night. The rest just wanted them to play another jamming tune. Lionel, Lizbeth, and Nigel finished off "The Shape of Love", and had wanted to go into "Ana Eng," but two things prevented them from doing so. The first was the fact that "Lincoln" was not included in the credits as a They Might be Giants album they could quote from. There was also the rather stern gaze being directed at them by the principal. So they took their bows, accepted the applause and exited the music room before certain parties decided to remove them forcibly. "Well well well," camp a raspy voice from behind the circle of onlookers. "It seems that you have some _small_ talent for music. It's not going to help you." The Carrottes exchanged a glance, confused at the situation. Who could they have possibly gotten so peeved at them in such a short time? On Rubella's face, the trio noticed, there was this rather nauseated "OH NO" look. Apparently the speaker was someone she knew. The crowd parted as they turned around to see who had spoken. Slowly a brown rat with glowing red eyes and a very angry expression was reviled. Rubella groaned, and ran a hand over her pained expression. "Nigel Carrotte, I am going to mop the floor with you!" Roderick Rat said, flecks of foam appearing at the corners of his mouth. "Really, old boy?" Nigel queried casually as he looked the other rat over. His salmon eyes lingered on Roddy's clenched fists, then went back up to his contorted face. "Now why in the world," the albino continued, scratching the back of his head, "would you want to go an' do that? I'm sure a typical string mop would do a better job of it." "You're moving in on MY territory, 'old boy'," Roderick replied sarcastically as he stalked the younger rat. "And I didn't come within a hair of loosing my girl to have you come along and try and steal her!" "This whole confrontation seems silly to me," Nigel observed calmly watching Roddy's progress. "Especially since I don't even know who you're talking about." Roderick was obviously unconvinced, because he kept coming. The younger rat kept watching the elder one for a hint at what he was going to do. "He could be tryin' to scare me," Nigel thought, then ducked just as Roddy's fist flew through where his head had been. He darted under the Perfectoid's arm, and stopped behind him. With a snarl, Roddy started to stalk Nigel's new position. "I'd better stop this now, before someone gets hurt," Nigel thought, getting ready. The albino just kept his gaze on the enraged rodent, and waited. Then, a moment later, Nigel swung. The cricket bat whistled through the air, and crashed upon Roddy's head with a dull THUD. This stopped him in his tracks. The expression on his face was comical: the angry snarl having turned into a rictus of pain; and one eye being closed so tightly it was nearly puckered, and the other having gained two sizes and a series of concentric circles. Roderick stood there, stock still, for about ten seconds, then, with a crash, he fell to the floor. Lionel and Lizbeth plucked the brass knuckles, that Roddy just _happened_ to be wearing, from his lax fingers, and handed them to Nigel. Roderick awoke, moments later, to see Nigel leaning on his cricket bat and watching over his prone form. "Sleep well?" the albino asked mildly. The rat pushed himself to his feet and got up in Nigel's face. "THAT was cheating!" he accused poking Nigel in the chest. "Really?" he drawled, pushing the older rat away with the end of his bat. "And what, pray tell, do you call these, old boy?" Nigel asked hefting the brass knuckles. "An unfair advantage?" Roddy would've answered, but a tap on his shoulder interrupted him. He turned around, ready to tear into whoever was doing the tapping, but stopped when he came face to face with the toon doing the tapping... Rubella. "Excuse me, Roddy, 'your territory' would like a word or two with you..." From the expression on her face, he sensed they weren't about to be pleasant ones, either. He was right. They weren't. "What in the world is _WRONG_ with you, Roderick... besides the usual, that is?" "Er... well..." "Don't hand me THAT!! Whatever made you think Nigel was trying to _steal_ me from you, you idiot? He's too young for me as it is..." "Um... that is..." "I'LL JUST BET!!! Besides, Nigel's already _got_ a girl! And what's this about me being 'your territory', anyway? How could you even SAY a thing like that? What AM I, a piece of property for you to stick boundary markers on?!?" "Wait a minute," Nigel interrupted, trying to restore some sort of calm. "Are you saying this larrakin is your _boyfriend_?" "For about five more seconds," Ruby growled. "Surely she could've done better than _him_," Lizbeth whispered to Lionel. "Somehow, I don't think that's possible," he whispered back to his sister. "What's a larrakin?" Miranda asked nobody in particular, trying to keep a tight grip on her wheelchair, just in case she went into a sudden spin-change. Nigel thought about the situation for about two seconds, before turning to his sibs and mouthing a song title. Lionel blinked, then grinned. "One! Anna two! Anna one two three four!" he shouted, then sang: "'I lost my lucky ball and chain, and now she's four years gone. Just five feet tall and sick of me an' all my rattelin' on.'" Roddy started at Leo's shout, and turned to silence the rabbit just as he started singing. The first line caught him off guard, and he gulped at the phrase "ball and chain". It was something he had been affectionately calling Rubella, never to her face of course. The thought of loosing her, because of his own stupidity, caused him to feel cold. "'She threw away her baby doll, I held on to my pride,'" Lionel contued, "'I was young and foolish then. I feel old and foolish now.'" Then Lizbeth joined in on the next verse. "'Confidentially, she never called me bay-bee doll. Confidentially I never had much pride. But now I rock a barstool, and I drink for two. Contemplating this time bomb in my mind.'" The possibility of having to live his life without Ruby loomed over Roderick, made all the clearer by the ironically bouncy tune the Carrotte twins were belting out. "'I could shake my tiny fist, and swear I wasn't wrong, but what's the point of arguing when that your all alone. As sure as you can't steer a train, you can't change your fate. And when she told me off that day, I knew I had lost my home.'" His knees went weak, and Roddy collapsed into a chair that Nigel had fetched from the music room for _just_ such an occurrence. "What," the older rat said burying his head in his hands, "am I going to do?" Nigel paused a bit before answering, enjoying the irony of the situation. "We-ell there's begging, pleading, groveling, and throwing yourself 'pon her mercy," Nigel replied ticking them off on his fingers. "Allow me to make two points clear to you, Carrotte. One: I will not make a fool of myself in front of a bunch of Acme Loo-sers. . ." "Too late," Nigel said. "And two: Rubella's 'mercy' makes a rabid Rottweiler seem tame," Roddy concluded. "And what'd you mean by 'too late'?" "Hm. . . let's see. . . You provoked, and lost, a fight in the hallway outside of the Acme Loo music room. THEN you get into a terrible row with your girlfriend in same. Both were done before about, oh, half the student body and a smattering of faculty," Nigel explained blithely. Roddy sighed. "So a public apology, groveling and all, won't hurt my image any," he grumbled, reluctantly conceding the albino's point. "NOT that it would have hurt it in the first place. You are not popular, Roddy, old boy. It just might improve it a wee bit, though," Nigel suggested, while he was flipping through his Acme Acres visitors' guide. "You could try bringing her attention to something other than that 'your territory' faux passe. After all, you were perfectly willing to make a public spectacle of yourself because you were, obviously, worried about your relationship. I. E. that she may have found someone that acted less the lerrakin, and may have been thinking of throwing you over." "Lerrakin?" "Jerk." "Oh." "And treating her to dinner at this Milleways place would be a plus. It seems perfect for a kiss-and-make-up sort of deal." This caused Roddy to wince. Milleways was one of the most expensive restaurants in Acme Acres. Rubella had been wanting to go. Roderick had been avoiding it. He got up, and went to Ruby, where she stood deciding what do to to him. "Ruby?" he said, quietly. "What?" Her reply was curt. "Look, I know I really out done myself this time-" "You certainly have, Roderick Rat!" "But can you blame me? I mean, to be honest, to be brutal even, Nigel is a well mannered British gentletoon;" Roddy said running a hand through his hair, "and I'm a self centered, stuck-up, jerk. But here I was, perfectly willing to be humiliated in front of toons that I, normally, wouldn't be caught on the same block with, because I was worried sick about loosing you." "You should have thought of that _before_..." "Thinking's not my strong suit, Ruby." "I know," Ruby answered wryly. "Go on..." "And oh, how he _does_," Miranda yawned, before being brought to silence by a brief stare from both Roddy and Ruby. "Um, just forget I said anything," she added sheepishly, trying to wheel her way into the background. "Can I do my groveling in more private surroundings, Ruby?" Roderick asked with a contrite smile. "I don't want to improve my image, here, too much. It's almost time for the Acme Bowl." "Just what sort of 'private surroundings' did you have in mind?" "I had kind of thought about Milleways," Roderick replied smoothly. "If you're still wanting to go, that is." Ruby made a not-too-subtle pretense of mulling it over. "Well, _gee_, Roddy, I'd already made plans for the rest of my life..." she said, lazily looking at her fingernails for a few seconds. Finally, she looked at him pointblank, and smiled. "Nigel talked you into this, didn't he?" Roddy grimaced bitterly, with one eye toward the younger rodent. "We-elll..." "Don't knock it, Roddy," she whispered in his ear. "It worked." Now Roddy was _completely_ floored. "It _did_?!?... I mean..." A certain twinkle came to Ruby's eyes. "Never mind, Casanova. You can tell mer all about it later tonight, say, eightish?" She smiled again. "Now I suggest you get out before the football team finds out you're here, and you get a sneak preview of this year's slaughter!" And with a wink, she gave him a kiss that let him know that, for the moment, all was, if not _well_, then certainly on the road to recovery. The poor guy was so dazed by the kiss that it was a wonder he got out of there at all! "You've got a girlfriend, Nige?" Lizzy asked giving her brother this _look_. "That's got me so bloody confused it's not funny," Nigel uttered shaking his head. "Y'see, Ruby's not the only one I've tripped today. That's how I first met RuBarb. I did ask her out to dinner to make up for bowling her over this mornin'. So that means that I've got a possible date, providin' for atmospheric and/or fur conditions, of course." "So where'd Ruby get the bit about you having a girl already?" Lizzy queried looking perplexed. "THAT'S what's got me so confused," Nigel said shrugging. "I mean, RuBarb's only known me since nine this mornin'." Rubella grinned wickedly. "Look, I had to say _something to get Roddy to leave you alone, didn't I?" "Well, yes, I know, but..." "Don't knock it. It worked, didn't it?" "Um... I _s'pose_ it did..." Ruby's eyes glistened. "Then _SHADDUP!_" She turned to go to her next class, but not before she whispered in Nigel's ear, "Oh... and thanks, Nige. I owe you one." Before Nigel could say anything further, Plucky came out of the crowd. "Say, Nigel, funny thing about the Acme Bowl..." "What?" "Well, we don't have a team captain this year. I was up for the position, but my sciatica is acting up something awful..." "So are _you_," RuBarb noted, just out of earshot. "Whaddaya say?" Plucky continued. "Feel up to some football?" Nigel's ears perked up at the sound of that word. "Is the Pope British?" Plucky had to think about it briefly. "Um... actually, no he isn't." "Oh. Well, still..." Nigel waited for that joke to die a short and painful death, which was mercifully brief. Then Plucky quickly explained the rudiments of American football, and how it differed from English football. Then Nigel's ears drooped. Turning to his sibs, he muttered sarcastically, "_Why_ do I get the feeling that this whole enterprise is a sinking ship, and I'm _not_ the only rat on it?" Fin. For now at least. ;) ================================================== Story (C) March 17, 1998 by Jennifer Cleckley and Jerry D. Withers. Tiny Toon Adventures characters, Looney Tunes characters, and Lola Bunny (who has got a lot of character herself) were used (as usual) without permission or consent. They _were_ used with respect and joy and we hope they added to the content of the story, even though they only had cameos. (C) 1930's through 1998, Warner Bros. Animation, Inc. The original version of Rubella Rat is (C) to Warner Bros. and Amblin Entertainment. The new and improved Rubella Rat ["A (slightly) Monumental Decision...", "Is Breaking Up All THAT Hard To Do?" and "Hoops Du Jour"], while the modification of Jerry D. Withers, is STILL (C) Warner Bros./Amblin. "RuBarb Purrenstein" ["RuBarb"] and "Miranda Mink" ["Miranda"] were created by, and (C) 1997 Jerry D. Withers. "The Bloomin' Loonies", aka "Lionel, Lizbeth, and Nigel Carrotte" sprang from the wild imagination of Jennifer Cleckley (who is known for populating the Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic universe with well over thirty different characters). The Loonies are, of course, copyrighted to Jennifer Cleckley (C) 1997/98. The authors would also like to thank the writers of the songs quoted in this story, also without permission (in order of appearance): "You Spin Me Round" [Dead Or Alive, YOUTHQUAKE, 1985 Epic Records] "Once I Flew" [White Town, WOMEN IN TECHNOLOGY, 1997 Chrysalis Records Ltd.] "Theme" [They Might BE Giants, FLOOD, 1990 Elektra Entertainment] "The Shape Of Love" [White Town, WOMEN IN TECHNOLOGY] "Lucky Ball And Chain" [They Might Be Giants, FLOOD] Furrball would like to thank RottinKid for the tuna fish hoagies and chocolate milk (a sure way to bribe a fanfic writer. Well, _this_ writer, anyway... ;-)) This is a work of fan fiction, and is not meant to be taken more than four times a day at regular intervals without the supervision of a medical doctor or a registered nurse. Stay tuned for the next installment of the Bloomin' Loonies saga, "Football: It's A Looney Old Game (No Matter HOW You Play It)", coming soon to a computer near you. TTFN! [tag]::Lizbeth Carrotte pops up in the TTA concentric circles, and poses dramatically:: "IF these words hath offended . . . Then you should 'ave bloody well read somethin' else!"